SHORT JOKES
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capit alist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and save s, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA.. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the damned thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio \par \par He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says." click" the car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues", he says, and click a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and click a Tex Ritter tune comes on. "Folk" click Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" click Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"ASSHOLE!" she screams. click "Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show."
Quayle, Packwood,and Kennedy were in a spelling bee.
It seems that Quayle won; Packwood,and Kennedy thought "harass" was two words.
Einstein, Casals, Picasso, and Regan die and go to heaven. St. Peter is waiting for them, and requests identification. Einstein, who is first in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can explain the equivalence of matter and energy." He is given a blackboard and proceeds to give an eloquent explanation of one of his most famous theories.
"Only Einstein himself could explain this so well," says St. Peter. "Step right in, professor. Next?"
Then Casals, who is next in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can play my cello to prove who I am." He is given a cello and plays the most beautiful music imaginable.
"There's no question, you must be Casals," says St. Peter. "Next?"
Picasso steps to the gate. "I don't have any ID, but I can paint a picture to prove who I am." He is given some brushes and paints a spectacular picture.
"Okay, you're Picasso. Go right ahead," says St. Peter. "Next?"
"I'm Ronald Regan," says the former president, "but I don't have any ID. How can I prove who I am?"
"Well," says St. Peter. "Einstein was just here, and he discussed some of this theories. Then there was Casals , who played the cello for us. Then Picasso came, and he painted a picture. Can you do anything like that?"
"Who are Einstein, Casals, and Picasso?" asks Eisenhower. St. Peter looks at him and says,
"Mr. President, go right in."