Hey, homies! This is the first Ask DiscoBoy column, so -- welcome 'n' crap!

First of all, Generik writes in with a bunch of silly queries. If these are the most pressing issues in his life right now, somethin' must be wrong....

 Dear DiscoBoy,
 Why do fools fall in love?

Because they're masochistic idiots. Who else would put up with bone-crunching, heart-tearing misery wrought by the demon called Love?
Smart people stay bitter, cynical and lonely.

 Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-she-bop?

The pixies who live in my anus. Nasty buncha buck 'n' half hookers.
What have they ever done for me? All you mothers are worthless! THERE'S NOBODY IN MY LEAGUE!

(Oops, sorry. Slipped into Sinatra mode there for a second. I'm alright now.)

 Who put the ram in the rama-lama-ding-dong?

The pixies subcontracted that out to the elves that live in my pancreas. Don't get me started on what a bunch of rat bastards they
are...

 Does it *really* not mean a thing if it ain't got
 that swing?

No. Nor does it mean crap if it ain't got that snap. And it don't mean jack if it don't sniff your sweaty buttcrack.

 Tell me why-y-y-y she cried, and why she li-i-ied to
 me. (Wooo.)

Well, you obviously did something wrong to piss her off. 'Cuz remember -- in any argument, the man is always wrong and the woman is always
right. There's just no winning, guys. The laws of nature are rigged against us (which, incidentally, is reason we always feel so compelled
to make up for it by conquering mountains and bending rivers to our will).

Next, an anonymous capper wired in this plaintive plea...

 Dear DiscoBoy,
 Help! I'm addicted to capping! What should I do?

At this point, the best option is to stick your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye. 'Cuz once you pop, you can't stop. Your life
is as good as over. That's why you find yourself here, in the cyber equivalent of a needle-strewn back alley in the decaying industrial
part of downtown, shivering in the shadows of fancy skyscrapers, fighting the other junkies and winos for just one more screengrab to
satisfy that sarcastic, smart-ass jones.

And on that note, have a happy day!
DiscoBoy.