THE VIRGIN PALANCE?
  Much like vision of the Virgin Mary, or Jesus, or even Bozo, recently several reports have been flooding into Captioneer News regarding visions of Jack Palance appearing in the oddest places. One confirmed sighting is on the sofa pictured to the left. The image was allegedly caused by a domestic beer stain, our scientists confirmed the cause as beer, but were unable to distinguish it as either foreign or domestic. A local friend observing the stain noted that it looked a bit to him like Former Daytime Talk Show host Phil Donahue, but the owner was steadfast in his belief it was Jack Palance, noting, 'I watched "Shane" a whole bunch of times when I was a kid, and once I even accidentally watched "Cops and Robbersons", I know Jack Palance when I see him'. This reporter agrees, though at some angles it does bear a resemblance to Former President Jimmy Carter.

 
 

Jack Palance on the set of a recent movie proudly demonstrating how he 
"Crapped Bigger then Tiny Tim"		    When reached for comment Jack Palance's publicist informed us, "Jack Palance says he has crapped bigger then both the Virgin Mary and Jesus, and therefor he does not find it surprising that his image is popping up in strange places. Also there's that whole Horseman of the Apocalypse thing. Oops, I let the cat out of the bag, forget I said that. No Comment.", then the publicist went on to say that last part was off the record, as Jack had forgotten his morning medication, which was also off the record.

    We talked to noted Jack Palance expert Finneus Mendermun who said, "I've meet Jack Palance, talked with Jack Palance, Jack Palance crapped bigger then me once, That stain is Jack Palance!". However Finneus had no comment on weather Jack, or he himself were still virgins.

    When asked if he would have the stain steam cleaned the owner replied, "No, I think it's sort of cool, I somehow feel chosen. Every once in a while when I'm watching TV I catch myself talking to it. You aren't going to print that are you? The hispanic families that camped out on our lawn did creep me out for the first few days, but I've gotten used to them."

    What does it mean? Who can say? We can, however, speculate that it can't hurt Jack's career, unless of course, it does... well, I don't really have anyway to wrap up this report so... Hey look a Poll! *Scamper*
 

 
 

Jack "I Hope That's a Cigar" Palance
Jimmy "I've Lusted After Mr. Planters" Carter
Phil "That Girls Bitch" Donahue
?
 
 

Other?

 

Beer Stain Poll
 Who does the stain look like?

Current Results

 
 
 
 

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Have you spotted a Jack Palance? Has he crapped bigger then you? Have an Idea who the stain looks like? Let us know!
Send letters to [email protected], be sure to mark the letter Palance, or Stain, or something appropriate.