The Nine Kinds of Girlfriends
Ms Nice Guy
Quote: "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also Known As: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Pros: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Cons: May wise up someday
Old Yeller
Quote: "You stupid, spineless, good-for-nothing, lazy, no talent jerk!
Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
Hell
Pros: Pays attention to you
Cons: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly
Quote: "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Pros: Predictable
Cons: Contagious
The Bosser
Quote: "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms Know-it-all, Ball and Chain,
"yes Mom..."
Pros: Often right
Cons: Often right, but so what?
Ms Vaguely Dissatisfied
Quote: "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home,
and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, "Aw c'mon Honey"
Pros: Easily soothed
Cons: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control
Quote: "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn.
I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Pros: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Cons: Unreliable, drives off cliffs
Miss Huffy
Quote: "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Pros: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Cons: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars
Quote: "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Pros: Entertaining, unfathomable
Cons: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms Dreamgirl
Quote: "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
weasels now"
Also known as: Ms Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Pros: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
Cons: Will have nothing to do with you
The Nine Kinds of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive
Quote: "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled
Egg, Snugglepup
Pros: Well-behaved, irons own shirts
Cons: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus
Quote: "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home
and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Pros: Stays put; predictable
Cons: Royal pain in the butt
Flinchy
Quote: "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembley, Creampuff, Hey you
Pros: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Cons: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot
Quote: "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big
'n' Dumb
Pros: Can tote bales of hay, is easily fooled
Cons: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones
Quote: "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
Addict
Pros: Well rested, easy target
Cons: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams
The Sneak
Quote: "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime
Pros: May feel pangs of guilt
Cons: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
Quote: "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels,
OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Pros: Perpetually aroused
Cons: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer
Quote: "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but --"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind,
Fool
Pros: Tells good stories
Cons: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr Right
Quote: "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Pros: Answer to a woman's prayer
Cons: Hunted to extinction