Dear Sirs,
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Income Tax return.
Thank you.
I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive. I feel it's only fair -- since they are minors,
and no longer my responsibility -- that the government knows something
about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next
year to reassign them back to me and reinstate the deductions; this
year, however, they are yours.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Just ask her! I
suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer
people's questions about their tax returns. While she has had no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any
other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that expense.
While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run
at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some
Health and Human Services funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early
to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While
she possesses all the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I
have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of
abstinence and, in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is
always uncomfortable and I'm quite relieved you will be handling it in
the future. May I suggest you reinstate Jocelyn Elders; she had a
rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first. In February, I was
rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was
bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the
future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent
directly to Ogden, UT?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple.
Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with
it. You'll have plenty of time since he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight. I'll be sure to file your phone
number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have
raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be
much more peaceful once he has moved in with you.
DO NOT leave him or any of his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, flammables, inflatables, vehicles or telephones. (I'm sure
you'll find the telephones a source of unimaginable amusement; be sure
to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers.)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, your
recent tax increase will help you offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. "Hooked on Phonics" is expensive, so the schools
dropped it.
Good news, though! You can buy it yourselves for half the amount of
the deduction you are denying. It's quite obvious we were terrible
parents (ask the other two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a
new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley
girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's.
It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats
backward, pants baggy, and wants one of her ears pierced four more
times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm
sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she
sort of "nests" in her room, and I think it would be easier to move
the entire thing rather than find out what's really in there.
You denied two of the three deductions so I guess it's only fair you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two
youngest; I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but
then I'm free!
If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for counselling
before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls I won't
feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have
already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in
additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours Truly,
John Smith