DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, stand halfway
in and out and think about several things. This is particularly
important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is
good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it
is as long as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything - just sit and stare.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other
is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise
known as "hampering." The following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least
the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out
and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to
distract you; ignore it.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
taxes, for Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -
to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely,
roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of you ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. The reaction from this action, is
equivalent to the feeling they've just "shot-gunned" 10 cups of coffee.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their
arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This
will help their coordination skills.
PLAY:
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the
daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed
several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though
to maintain one's "dignity" at all times. If you should have an
accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a
part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse" - The humans would have you believe that those lumps
under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are
actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in
the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also
has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough
for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the
first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill" - This game must be played with at least one other
cat. One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be
defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the
unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in
expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the
humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one
happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of
King of the Hill.
TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it,
this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look
suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always
watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to
maintain one's "dignity" when around humans so that they will not
forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules.
They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will
then have a smooth-running household.