When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got
to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need clothing,
shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and food.
But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a
Republican. Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead,
but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a
week, that's it."
But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major
mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends
to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're going
to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, have
a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist
of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would
change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out, "Oh yeah? Well, food
you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would
flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests.
"Ohmigod. It's a pepperoni." Locker room talk would change. "Hey, man,
how'd you do this weekend?" "Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle
cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would
check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick's
of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper
plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection. Vice squads
would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. "All right, put down your
meat. Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of
them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks. You'd be
accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. "Hey,
big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?" Fudamental
Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet. Many sexual
positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would tell their
children not to play with their food or they'll go blind. Kids would
remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.