1. No matter what my problem is, it's someone's fault other than
myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit
so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go
to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are
physically attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only
won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my
obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they
will adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she
will fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private
investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us
dies, we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing
to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep
respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will
never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When
people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound',
which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.
12. If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white
guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me
halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of
violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a
beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who
will gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut,
and gaze at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or
game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who
will then try to kill me with his bare hands.
17. If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one
or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled
in Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one
last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.
18. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a
sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
19. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern
and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask
when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do
those things either.
20. While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with
a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seat belt, with
ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of
place. Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in
amazement in my direction as I speed away.