LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead
your human where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly-upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your humans have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let
the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your human makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. As the
person swerves and falls into the bushes, you should happily prance
away, knowing you did a good job.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their humans want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your
eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your human comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls
and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. (Awwwwwww)