I always wanted a hopped-up muscle car when I was younger, but I
couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a 1970 Mustang,
and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile,
male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed
engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.
I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat
up old truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I
accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized
woman jumps right out in front of my car with her hands up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance: She proceeds to yell
in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot!!"
I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive
away, she yells, "Jerk!" at me again.
Twice? I turn around and drive up next to her.
"Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the
interrogator)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?"
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll
just wave him down and he can settle it..."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to
tell him that she observed me speeding.
"What happened?" he asked. I told him the story, and told him that I
accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a
collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it.
I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them."
I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to
screw me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began
feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop,
"Which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any
tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not."
I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left
the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here.
According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right
angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is
a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A
citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry vs
Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed; she
had no probable cause to detain me. That is anindictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand
her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I
want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct
on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he
authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic
tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license,
as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!
Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute but the look on
her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.
Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
- contributed by: Jeannie