Where to begin...? Chris Rock, of course.
What a funny man. And I'm sure that with all the insults he dished out, by next week he'll need a good dentist and an even better lawyer.
The first award given out was probably the one that people care about the least - Best Dance Video. This award, of course, went to Ricky Martin and his pelvic girations. Not to slight the women in the rain in their underwear or the ones shaking their tushies, but the pelvis won that award, not you.
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Enter Kidrock. Kidrock brought out Jam Master J, Run DMC and Aerosmith to play some Kidrock crap that I don't know the name of and a fairly lucid version of 'Walk This Way'. Did you know that Kidrock's singing voice isn't really all that bad? When he's actually singing, that is. But I wish he would take off that stupid hat and put on a shirt. At least he didn't sing 'Cowboy'.
The Best Group Video Award didn't go to a boy group. I nearly wet myself for total shock and joy. It went to TLC for 'No Scrubs' instead. Not much better, but at least it wasn't one of the manchild groups.
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The Best New Artist Award went to Eminem for 'My Name Is'. I screamed. I was thrilled. Eminem seemed to be in shock, because when Dre called his attention to the fact that he'd won, he looked very confused. He managed to keep himself together, though.
"Woah. Was this supposed to happen?"
Lauryn Hill came out and did 'Lost Ones', which is a great track from her solo CD that actually hasn't gone single yet. That put me in a good mood, because I realized that there must have been people in the audience who've never heard that song. But then she faded into 'Everything is Everything', which is a single that most people have heard by now. Don't get me wrong, I love her music, but I was a little dissapointed about that.
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Best Rap Video. I prayed for someone I liked and Jay Z won for 'Can I Get A....' instead. All right, I'm overreacting, but if you've seen the video, you'll agree with me when I say that the backup singers are such wierd-looking girls that it ruined the video for me.
I could say something about the Backstreet Boys, but I muted the tv when they came on.
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Best Female Video.........and the winner is.....what? Not Madonna? Huh? Nope, not Madonna, but Lauryn Hill for 'Do Wop'.
Best Rock Video was a surprise, as it went to Korn for their 'Freak On A Leash' video. I didn't realize that Korn fit into the Rock catagory. I just always put them under Loud.
Wow, two awards in a row. A record for the night.
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Ricky Martin came out after that, walking barefoot and beautiful down the walkway of the stage, doing a particularly nice rendition of 'She's All I Ever Had' and surrounded by half-naked women that had curled themselves around various objects onstage. He always looks so sweet and sincere when he sings that song - imagine my dissapointment when he broke out into 'Livin' La Vida Loca'. Again with the 'Livin' La Vida Loca'. At which point, of course, the pelvic thrusts began and all the women stood up to shake their butts and their tamborines.
The Best Breakthrough Video was given to Fatboy Slim for 'Praise You'. You remember 'Praise You', right? The video with the Torrence Community Dance Group? But that comes in later.
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Madonna won an award when the show came back on. Finally. It can't be VMA until Madonna wins something. She took home a Moonman award for Best Video From A Film, 'Beautiful Stranger', which I always found particularly funny. I'm glad she got recognition for it. No one should spend that much time rubbing themself on Mike Myers for nothing.
Nine Inch Nails came out after that and did a song off of their new album. I think. I was too busy dancing around the room like an idiot to notice. It's just been so long since I've seen Trent Reznor. I love that man.
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The Best Pop Video Award was no surprise. Ricky Martin. Always Ricky Martin and that damn song. The good thing about that man is that he makes his speeches short - and he thanked The Beatles and Elvis for influencing him. Good boy.
What a coincidence that TLC performed 'No Scrubs' next. I have to admit that the rippling sheet-type dealy that was behind them was pretty cool, but they were dressed in red versions of the same damn outfits they wore in the video. They're TLC for Christsake, you think they could come up with something better than that. The performance was good, but at the end they broke off into some annoying remix of a song I'd never heard. The only words were "Too much booty in the pants". It had to be the most irritating thing that happened since Kidrock.
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The Best Male Video award went to Will Smith's 'Miami' video. No real surprise there. He blamed his wife for the jacket he was wearing. Smart man.
Ah, the Torrence Community Dance Group. Fatboy Slim did 'Praise You' while they danced, and for a crew that looked so nutty in the video, they looked awfully good on stage. They each wore what looked like some sort of giant thermal coat, and that was neat-looking enough by itself, but when they took them off they were covered in flashing red lights. Mtv did good with this one. I credit them for it.
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And Jay Z marches out. I couldn't tell what song he was doing to start off with (I'm not big on Jay Z), but that metamorphisized into 'Can I Get A...', which turned into the ending of 'Hard Knock Life'. Why can't anyone pick one song and stick to it?
The Torrence Community Dance Group picked up an award for their direction of 'Praise You'. They looked so happy. It made me feel all squishy inside.
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The Best Hip-Hop Video Award went to a group of white boys. I probably shouldn't have said that, but it was the first thing that came to mind when the Beastie Boys picked up their Moonman for 'Intergalactic'. Adrock made it a point to take a moment to talk about how displeased he was about the rapes that had happened at Woodstock '99, and suggested that every artist should make sure their security can prevent that kind of thing at their shows. Word, Adrock. You go, honey. So many women in America love you right now.
Britany Spears did a remix version of 'Baby One More Time', which somehow managed to clumsily give way to N'Sync's 'Tearin' Up My Heart', at which point I muted the television.
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I refuse to discuss the Viewer's Choice Award here. I already talked about that.
But my aching chest was remedied when Eminem came on to perform. He started out with 'My Name Is', turned it into 'Guilty Concience', and then dissapeared. All of a sudden, Snoop Dogg appeared to perform 'Nothin' But A G Thang' with Dr. Dre. Eminem came back out at the end to help. Damn, he's cute.
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A have never seen a more humorous and bold thing than what must have been roughly a dozen men dressed up as Madonna, demonstrating just how much she has changed over the years. She seemed to think it was pretty odd, too.
And then, Mtv did something that made me love them. For this one thing, I forgive and forget all the boy groups, all the sample-platter performances. They brought out Paul. If you don't know who I'm talking about, I'll tell you that he was in The Beatles. If you still don't know, leave my page this instant and never return.
Together, Paul and Madonna announced the Best Video of The Year, who went to the wonderful, beautiful Lauryn Hill for 'Do Wop'.
So what did I think of this show overall? S'okay. But nothing particularly memorable happened, at least not as far as I was concerned. Charlotte Church was great (her voice is gorgeous), The Artist looked great dressed all in blue spandex and Tom Green always lightens a mood. But the cast of The Blair Witch Project wasn't milked to the fullest degree, and there were so many commercials that I was going upstairs about every fifteen minutes. I ate about ten pounds of my mum's peanut butter cookies and drank three cans of Mountain Dew. I muted the tv twice. I nearly fainted about four times. I was dissapointed that Manson didn't make an appearance - was he invited? Mtv invited Regis Filben - good for them! Are those Legos that the runway is made out of?