Jokes for Adults
The fat father
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!"
His mom says, "Why?!?"
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Circumised!
This little 7 year old boy was sitting at his desk in school and he was squirming and squirming around. Finally the teacher asks him what is wrong.
He tells her he is sore because he just got circumsised yesterday.
She tells him to go and see the principal. He goes to the principal and comes back 5 minutes later with his penis hanging out of his fly.
The teacher is outraged and asked him the meaning of this type of behaviour.
He says "The principal asked me to see if I could stick it out until the end of the school day!"
A guide to Breasts
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
(.)(.) breasts and
( Y ) a bum
oo a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|o||o| android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
What do you call..?
What do you call a Russian with three balls?
Whodee Nikabolockov!
What do you call a Chinese Paedophille?
Po-Kem Yung!
Baby Maker
The Smith's had no children and decided to use a proxy father to
start their
family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
and
said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't
know me, but
I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut
in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
specialty of
babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat. Just
where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too;
you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to
be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother
was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs.Smith
the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the
job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep,
pushing to get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your, er..,um..
ah.... equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we
can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big for me
to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?"
She fainted.
Reasons why Football is better than Sex
1. You can play home and away.
2. It lasts 90 minutes.
3. You can be substituted if you get tired.
4. You can expect to do it at least once a week.
5. The crowd cheers when you scores.
6. Protection equipment can be washed and used again.
7. You can get paid without being a whore.
8. You can play with your balls in front of your mother.
9. You can kiss your team mates without being accused of being gay.
10. You can score with your feet and your head.
Reasons why Sex is better than Football
1. It is allowed to use your hands.
2. You don't need to wait for the whistle to start.
3. You don't need to wait for 90 minutes before taking your shirt off.
4. There is no half time break.
5. You can relax after scoring.
6. You can't get a hamstring injury.
7. Expert commentators is not going to mean anything about the performance.
8. The ground is just as good in winter.
9. You can choose the opponent.
10. Smokers can have a smoke after scoring
The Meaning of Penis
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.
The following Jokes From The Houseman Gang
A Young Man's Gift
A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday.
As they had not been dating for very long, and after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note.
Romantic but not personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger
sister, he went to Marks&Spencer and bought the gloves. The younger
sister purchased a pair of sexy panties for herself. During the wrapping
the assistant mixed up the items; the sister got the gloves, and the
sweetheart got the sexy panties. Without checking the contents, he
sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this
letter.
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones
that are easy to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a
pair she was wearing for the last few weeks. They showed very little
soiling, I had her try yours on and she looked very smart.
I do so wish I was there to put them on for you for the very first time.
No doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have
chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow into them before putting them
away, as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many
times I will kiss them during the coming year,
I hope you will wear them Friday night.
All my love,
Simon.
PS. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Two Nuns
Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of
their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! ****
off!"
Essex Girl
What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sex?
A bus shelter
From me!
Old Smoking Ladies
There were two old ladies sat in the garden of their nursing home. Beatrice got out a cigarette and lit it. Then it started to rain and she pulled out a condom, cut off the end and slipped it over. "What did you do that for?" asked Myrtle. "It stops it getting wet" replied Beatrice. "Where do you get them?" Myrtle asked. "I just go to the chemist and there they are". So the next day Myrtle hobbles slowly into the pharmacy and asks the man at the counter for a packet of condoms. Suprised, the man asks what for. Myrtle said "Euh, I need one that'll fit a camel"!
My Dog called Sex
Why does everybody call their dog "Rover", or "Spot"? Well, I called mine "Sex"
Well, sex has been very embarresing for me. When I went to renew the licence for him I asked the man behind the counter for "a licence for sex". He said "I want one too!". I said that it was for a dog but he replied "I don't care what she looks like!"."But I've had sex since I was 9". "You were quite a kid then", the man answered.
I went on my honeymoon and took the dog. at the hotel, I asked for a room for me and the wife, and a room for sex. "Every room is for sex" she said. "But sex keeps me up at night" I replied. "Me too" she said.
One day there was a dog show and I entered sex in it. I told one of the other competitors that I planned to have sex in the show, and if it was televised. He called me a pervert.
At the vets, I waited and then asked the woman for sex. I got a slap. After explaining the situation, I asked if sex was good for her. I got another slap.
When me and the wife seperated, we fought for custody of the dog. "Your honour, I had sex before I got married". "What is your point, so did I" he said. "But my wife wants to take sex away"."That's what happens in a divorce" he replied.
I was lonely. Sex had run away. In the streets at night I would look for him. "What do you think you're doing?" asked an officer. "Looking for sex", I anwsered. I was arrested and never saw it again.
Sly Rooster
A farmer had a rooster but it was getting old. He decided to get another one for when it died. He came back from market and put it into the chicken coop. "Your not replacing me" said the rooster with a smile to the new one. "First one around the farmhouse five times can stay". Cheered by all the other hens, they were off. The old rooster ran fast but the young one went faster. hearing all the noise, the farmer came out to see what was going on. When he saw the two of them running wildly close to each other, he took out his shotgun and blew the young one to pieces. Picking the young and dead rooster up, he muttered "that's the THIRD goddamn gay rooster I've bought this week"!
Dave, Tony and his Mum
Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, Nora, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in." They both have a seat in the kitchen. "You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it's for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, "Nora, your tits are so beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both."
Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another hundred bucks on the table.
Another ten minutes passes by... Dave can't wait around any longer, so he leaves.
A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says "Your weird friend, Chris, came over this afternoon."
Replies Tony, "Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"
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