Cat
Bathing as a Martial Art Cat
Bathing as a Martial Art
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say
cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme
of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk
-dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisks it away. 
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.
Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the
facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners
of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the
fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality;
when he must look squarely in the face of massive public
sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells
like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in
mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your
feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub: * Know
that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the
battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can
force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your
bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if
you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will
not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.) * Know that a cat
has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your
body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to
dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an
army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to
go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your
flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty
shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be
reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat
nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats
will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or
no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb,
calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing
experiment for J.C. Penney.)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential
to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door,
step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the
cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one
of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add
the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water,
thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats
-- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers
always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans
generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting
really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what
you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is
semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the
drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do
is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.)
After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed
from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to
you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed
stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't
usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get
through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you
decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot
better.
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