Hickphonics

by Unknown

The Atlanta School Board sensing that Oakland was about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics" as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a "Hickophone".

The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- n. Greeting.
HIRE YEW- - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD -- v. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - - n. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER -- n. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left twenny millyun dollers in improvements."

MUNTS -- n. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK -- v. Ability to cognitively process.
BARE -- n. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT -- adj. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure is ignert!"

RANCH -- n. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "Ah thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- n. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "Ah sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thang's gonna catch far."

TAR -- n. A rubber wheel attachment.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mahn don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- n. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, ah shore dew hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- v. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT -- n., v. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "Yew younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'awl."

RATS -- n. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners always bin willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adj. Originating from outside local environment.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... mus' be from some farn country."

DID -- adj. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- n. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- n. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay 'way from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cup'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED -- v., past tense of "to see".
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

GUMMIT -- n.. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert.