The Book of Trumpet

1. And the people of God were sleeping. In the fields, in the temple, all throughout his kingdom, his people were sleeping and lukewarm.
2. God was not happy with his people so he sent an angel to speak with twelve of the noisest tribes in Israel.
3. Callet, Shilke, Bach-Selmer, Besson, Amati, Benge, Blessing, Conn, Getzen, Holton, King, and Yamaha were confronted by the angel.
4. And the angel of the Lord said, "You will build a vessel of praise unto God.
5. This vessel will awaken the lukewarm , the sleeping, and possibly even deaf people.
6. It will cause people to stand up and take notice whether it be from fear or from pain or from joy.
7. It will be a weapon unto God despite the pain it will cause amongst the rythm sections.
8. And this vessel shall be called the Trumpet.
9. The trumpet shall be made of either silver or of brass.
10. The trumpet shall have three keys.
11. The keys shall be assigned unto them numbers, one, two, and three.
12. The tips of each key shall be decorated with fine pearl or of plastic.
13. There shall be two openings on the trumpet, one large and one small.
14. The large opening shall resemble that of a funnel.
15. Into the smaller end shall be placed a mouthpiece with which his servants shall use to summon the wind that will let the mighty sound eminate.
16. There shall be three moving parts within the trumpet.
17. One moving part shall be called the tuning slide which shall be frequently unused by the trumpeter.
18. The other two moving slides shall see even less use and will have the purpose of tuning individual notes.
19. There shall be two openings upon these slides, one upon the tuning slide and another upon the third valve slide which shall pour forth the holy water.
20. Thine trumpeter's wind shall determine the quantity of thine holy water."

1, When the angel of the Lord finished giving the instructions he said to the tribes, "You shall all make trumpets and multiply them upon the earth.
2. but guard thine self against false profits. Keyboards, synthesizers, and computers can simulate the sound of a trumpet.
3. They can be pleasing to the ear and convincing within a song.
4. But woah is he who believeth that these are real trumpets.
5. A real trumpet can shatter glass, tear down walls, cause hair to be blown backwards, and even kill devils with minimal loss of human hearing.
6. Thow wilst knoweth a true trumpet by it's recording.
7. For no equipment can capture the true sound of a trumpet. It's beauty cannot be duplicated.
8. If it sounds good on tape it's definitely a false trumpet.
9. The trombone is also not a trumpet.
10. The tuba, French Horn, and the baritone is not a trumpet. But all trumpets be it C, Bb, bass or piccolo trumpet, are created equal.
11. Other brass instrumentsts submit yourselves unto the trumpet and obey their commands for they are all that.
12. Do not covet thy fellow trumpets for
ye brass instruments who playeth with a trumpet is considered a pseudo trumpet and shall be so as long as they form a section.
13. The trumpet is to be strong, loud, blasting, and full of glee.
14. Only a percussionist can appear more obnoxious than a trumpet.
15. Bands of all types and locales shall accomodate the trumpet. There shall always be a place for a good trumpet sound.
16. Country music is not considered real music thus trumpets shall be forbidden in such songs.
17. The trumpets and the bands which harbor trumpets shall play them according to the twelve commandments of trumpet.

1. There shall be no such thing as too many trumpets.
2. Thine trumpets shall not be compared to violins with musical degrees.
3. Thou shalt always begin with a trumpet song.
4. Thou shalt always end with a trumpet song.
5. Thou shalt have trumpet songs in the middle.
6. Thou shalt not expect quality, just quantity.
7. When thine trumpets sound bad, that's the way it was written.
8. Thou shalt not tempt the trumpets with a microphone.
9. Thou shalt minister unto the gentiles(non trumpet players) and convert those who are lost.
10. Trumpets shall not be expected to count to four.
11. Thou shalt not expect thine trumpets to ad-lib.
12. Love thy fellow trumpets even when they are late or sound bad or are out of tune or when they make too much noise or when they talk too much or when they do anything wrong, even if it's hard.
13. Obey thy twelve trumpet commandments lest thy be cursed with even worse sounding trumpets than usual.
14. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth whenst thou heareth the trumpet, but follow thine commandments or it shall be worse.
15. Without thine twelve trumpet commandments thine trumpets shall sound worse than high school French Horns.
16. Blessed are those trumpets which follow thine commandments.
17. Blessed are those trumpets which play the loudest.
18. Beware, however, for the path to intonation is very very very very narrow."

1. And the angel of the Lord anointed the twelve tribes with valve oil and then departed.
2. The twelve tribes made trumpets and spread them to young and old throughout God's kingdom.
3. Upon hearing the mighty sound from the trumpet, people lept up out of their chairs pleading to, I mean praising to God.
4. They sought God in earnest as you could almost see pain in their faces as they fell to the floor in total submission to God.
5. The lame began to leap up off their beds and run out of the auditoriums as fast as they could, completely healed of their afflictions.
6. And God saw the trumpet and reluctantly decided not to destroy the earth again, so instead sent a rainbow to his faithful servant, Noah.