For the month of August

Capricorn
December 22-January 19
From the looks of the world around you, things could not possibly be worse, but take heart and enjoy... Next month will be a complete hell by comparison.

Aquarius
January 20-February 18
Being a water sign, and seeing as how the majority of your ruling planets are in the house of cah-cah, it would be wise not to bathe for the remainder of the month... There's an accident just waiting to happen!

Pisces
February 19-March 20
This is not a good month for you to eat fish. People around you will consider you a cannibal and have you committed to an asylum if you're caught!

Aries
March 21-April 19
The Sun and the Moon are in conjunction with your HoneyPot House. Since you flatly refuse to moderate your diet, be sure to take a fan with you into the bathroom.

Taurus
April 20-May 20
Fulla-Bulla is the best description of you this month! Jupiter being in alignment with the crystal bauble in your living-room window is a definite portent of cow-pies to come... probably on your front porch.

Gemini
May 21-June 20
"The Twins" not only describes your Zodiac sign but your remaining surviving brain cells as well. Unfortunately for you, they've been bouncing into each other a bit to often this month, and both are only marginally functional.

Cancer
June 21-July22
If you think you're crabby now, wait till the week of the 27th! Even men born under this sign will give a whole new meaning to PMS.

Leo
July 23-August 22
With Mercury rising and the Sun setting in your House of Pain, this would be a good month to go into hiding. The worst of the ill effects of this will be over by the 32nd of the month...

Virgo
August 23-September 22
Fortunately for Virgo, the worst week of this month was at the beginning of the month. Unfortunately for Virgo, Next month is the beginning of the worst year of your decade.

Libra
September 23-October 22
The peace loving Libra, forever striving to keep things in balance, is in for a loop this month. A piece of pie is all there is, the rest is going to be crappola... get used to it.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21
If you've ever contemplated suicide, this is your month! Go for it! Things will only get worse. Just try not to leave to much of a mess, someone out there wants to clone your remains and bring you back for added sufferance.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
O.K. Pony Boy, (or girlie girl), put down the archery set. The vortex of the cosmos is against you big time and that arrow you're about to shoot will fly back around to hit you in the butt.