The church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher
saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and announced
"who ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate please stand up".
A gay man stood up and said "I did".
The preacher told him "since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick
out three hymes."
Excitedly, the gay guy said, "well I'll take him and him and him."

A couple just retired to Pebble Beach. The husband and wife would like to play golf together, yet neither one knows how to play. They decide to take private lessons.

The husband goes for his first lesson. after the Pro sees his swing, he is telling the man that he is gripping the club too hard. "Hold the club gently, just like you would hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice and whack, he hits the ball straight down the fairway about 25 yards. He goes home and tells his wife how his lesson went. She is excited and she can hardly wait for her lesson.

The next day, she goes for her lesson and gives her demonstration swing. Lo and behold, she is holding the club too gently. So the pro tells her to hold it just like she would hold her husband's penis. She takes the advice, swings, and the balls goes straight down the fairway about fifteen feet.

The pro says, "That was great. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing it as you're supposed to."

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy,
"I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies,
"Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard."