The Man

By: Joe Oxford

    He was a man. Not a she was he. He was never a her and if he had been, well, he certainly would not have been a sissy! Yes, he was a man, one of the few real men left on this planet anyway. He could piss standing up, spit a hawker ten feet or more, fart in public and not wince even once, and if you called him a girlie he would kick you in the nuts and laugh as you squirmed about on the floor.

    One day the man was walking down the street minding his own (manly) business when suddenly a rock came flying out of nowhere hitting him on top of the head and knocking him unconscious.

    "Well, what head are you talking about?"  he would have replied if he had been given the chance. He loved perversity and would use it on every occasion available.

    Anyway, this huge fucking rock ( I can use a work like that for I am a man as well ) nailed him on top of the head and he didn't wake up for hours. When he did finally wake up he found himself in a land stranger than the one you find yourself in right now!

    Shit ( a manly word ), he felt strange too. He felt kind of like you do when you've had food poisoning for half a day and there is nothing left in your system to shit or puke out so you just brace yourself and hope for the best, which is the best thing a man can do. Yes, grab yourself by the balls and carry yourself through! That was his motto. Never let them see you sweat! Go for the gusto!! He didn't realize it but his life so closely resembled a beer commercial that even the toughest female rights activist would have a hard time keeping her lunch down in his presence.

    The room was still spinning. He had a hard time focusing on things but he was feeling just a little bit better when suddenly he heard a voice.

    "We don't get your type around here very often," blurted out the feminine yet androgynous voice.

    "Who's there?" he asked as he tried to itch his balls in confusion.

    "I am the ruler of this kingdom. I am Clintoris! I know all, see all, and am taller than any other in this land," she punched out with a veracity the man had never heard before.

    "FUCK! ( another manly word )" yelled he.

    Clintoris moved across the strangely shaped room which resembled a gynecologists room except everything was decorated in zebra skin patterns. The man saw her......... IT for the very first time. She.... IT too was wearing a mini-skirt and boots with fishnet stockings that resembled zebra skin. Clintoris stopped by a small table filled with instruments and picked up an unfamiliar sharp object.

    "I'm getting the hell out of here!" he screamed as he tried to scramble to his feet. He was stopped short of this action though because he had been restrained at the wrists and ankles, not to mention the waist also.

    "Don't fight it baby cakes! Soon you will be like us and we have all grown to love ourselves very much," she said almost sounding like a professional wrestler sucking on helium.

    The man screamed again and suddenly the world started spinning madly. He knew what she had in store for him and he didn't like the idea one little bit. He screamed again and again and soon the screaming turned into a morbid laughter. Light turned into dark, sound became deafening silence, and somewhere in the United States of America another McDonald's sign was being changed to say, "Billions and billions of hamburgers served!"

THE END