My survival tips

If you're ever caught in a burning building or a sinking ship, remember these simple rules, and you should be fine.

General safety procedure states that if a fire alarm goes off when you are in a building you should walk slowly to your nearest fire exit.

THIS IS WRONG

Running is an excellent way to get to the exits before everyone else. It is also worth noting that shouting "I'm on fire" along with foaming at the mouth is an excellent way to get everyone else to let you through.

It is also another one of those "accepted" rules of survival that whilst on board a sinking ship, you should never inflate your lifejacket in the crowd for the lifeboats.

BOLLOCKS

An inflated lifejacket is an excellent tool to barge the women and children away from your spot on the last lifeboat.

On a airplane, if you should spot smoke coming from one of the engines or the cockpit, you should quickly and quietly report it to one of the stewards and not shout it out, thus causing a panic.

NO, NO, NO

Shout it out and in the confusion take the one and only parachute onboard. You can then jump to safety, leaving your friends, family and other, stupider passengers to plummet to their fiery deaths.

Providing you survive the crash landing, it's pretty safe to say there will be some… casualties. Some of them may be friends, some maybe family, some may be hideously mutilated, with parts of their bodies stuck in trees and in bushes and you may feel slightly upset, but remember this:

ONLY BIG PANSIES CRY IN PUBLIC

If you are lucky, you will crash land on a deserted, desert island. You may have to make certain difficult decisions…

EATING HUMAN FLESH IS ONLY WRONG IF SOMEONE SEES YOU

If it comes down to dieing of starvation or eating my best mate, I'd be saying, "It tastes like chicken" in no time.

If your supplies are low, and there are far too many survivors to feed, it may be worth considering this:

OLD PEOPLE ARE USELESS

Abandon everyone over the age of 50 in the middle of the jungle and let them fight the lions for food.

The time will eventually come when you want to escape, why not try hollowing out the carcass of one of your fellow passengers to make a raft so you can float to survival?