Horoscopes

Aries:

This year your boy/girlfriend will run off with your best friend or dad. If you are unattached, you will remain so, and die in 50 years of an overdose of antidepressants, cold and alone.

 Taurus:

On the 12^th August this year, you will wake up next to the bloke who plays pee wee Herman wearing only a peek-a-boo bra and some crotch-less panties on with no recollection of the events of the previous night.

Gemini:

Nothing interesting will happen to you this year.

Cancer:

As your name suggests, this year you will contract cancer of the prick and die. Ha ha ha, Looser.

Leo:

Because of your natural wit, charm and your electric personality, accompanied by your stunning body, not only will you be able to score anyone you want, but you will also receive a 600% pay raise at work. Well done.

Virgo:

It will be revealed this year that your whole life is a TV show and everyone you know are actors, and you actually live in a massive dome like film studio. You will try to escape, but the producer will make a storm as you are sailing to freedom, and you will drown.

Libra:

You will wake up one morning to discover your mother has been taken by a fat Arab man named akhmed as his 6^th wife.

Scorpio:

If you're a female Scorpio, hey baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock! Oh, yeah, if you're a male Scorpio, you'll em die horribly somehow.

Sagittarius:

I hope you don't like your thumbs. That's all I'm saying.

Capricorn:

On July 5^th you will be waiting for a bus and a very fat, very boring German will start talking at you. 

Aquarius:

Following an accident during a tour of your local sewage farm, you will end up drowning in raw, untreated sewage.

Pisces:

You will get arrested for masturbating in a public toilet, and you will then be disowned by your family and sacked from your job. You will be forced to live as a tramp at your local dump, eating only a mixture of old newspapers and rotting banana skins.