Star-Trek Script

Captain's log, Star date 111.11 After that unpleasant incident on the Klingon Home-world, where I innocently made a remark about having the high counsellors mumma, I have finally lost the last Klingon battle cruiser following us, and have decided to take an extended shore leave to Whorion, otherwise known as the planet of the ladies. I know we just got off our last one, but I'm feeling a little randy. I'm also hoping for an opportunity to test the new weapon Starfleet command has placed in our trust.

Ensign:

Captain, unidentified vessel off the starboard bow, no, wait, port, hold on, which is which? Oh, fuck it.

Captain Picard:

Hail the unidentified vessel.

Alien:

We extend the hand of friendship from the entire pusseion race to your people captain, and look forward to a long and lasting peace between us.

Captain Picard:

INSULENCE!! Is the fudge bag ready no. 1?

No. 1:

Aye aye sir, but it hasn't yet been tested yet!

Captain Picard:

INSULENCE! Transporter room 1, beam it directly onto the alien bridge.

Alien Captain:

Oh no! A fire, I'll stamp it out.

Alien Ensign:

It appears to be some kind of dump captain

Captain Picard:

We will accept nothing less but an apology from your people.

Alien Captain:

We are truly sorry if we have offended you captain.

Captain Picard:

INSULENCE!! Ready phasers. Blow them out of space

Ensign:

But sir, the prime directive!

Captain Picard:

If starfleet asks, they fired first.

Alien Captain:

But we are a peace loving race captain, and as such unarmed.

Captain Picard: (Maddened by insolence)

Fire!

Captain's log, Stardate 111.12. After being viscously attacked without provocation by a previously unidentified race calling themselves the pusseions, now it is clear we must make our way to whorion. I am also pleased that the new weapon we tested - The fudge bag - was a complete success.

Data:

Captain, we are being hailed by a ferengi vessel, they say they have "your wink wink, he'll know what it is about" in.

Captain Picard:

Excellent. I'll take it in my ready room Mr Data.

Ferengi:

Captain, That shipment of Romulan vibrators that you ordered has come in.

Picard:

Excellent. Have them beamed directly to my quarters

Riker:

Sir, we are nearly at whorion.

Picard:

Excellent No. 1

Data:

Huh huh, you said number 1.

Picard:

Well done Mr Data, you're really getting the hang of Human humour. Now please escort Mr Riker to the Brig.

Riker:

What have I done captain?

Picard:

INSULENCE! I'll have no queers on MY bridge.

Riker:

Oh, be nice.

Picard:

BE GONE!

Picard:

Mr worf, hail the planet Whorion.

Warf:

Aye aye sir

Whorion woman:

Welcome to the planet of Whorion captain.

Picard:

I demand some head-love.

Whorion Woman:

I'm sorry captain, there has been as misunderstanding, it has ahppened before. I suppose our name is a little misleading... We don't perform that kind of service here.

Picard:

It is an act of war not to suck me off!

Whorion Woman:

I'm sorry captain...

Picard:

Ensign, Prepare Phasers.

Captain's log stardate 111.13. After turning the planet whorion into a baron desert waste land, I have decided to seek amusement some where else. We will visit our good friends on Deep Space 9.

Picard:

Sisko! How's your wife? Oh, sorry, I forgot, I killed her

Picard:

Don't worry sisko, she was crap in the sack anyway, if you know what I mean, eh no. 1?

No. 1: ba ha ha! She fucked like a bitch john.

Picard: thats not my name you cock, now get back to the brig! Anyways my brown friend, i have prepared a list of your crew member to please me, have them beamed over, and its starting with you! (dax looks shocked as she re-materialises naked on the bridge of the enterprise)

Sisko:what? Don't worry we'll get you back old man, nice tits, by the way, major prepare the defiant!

Picard: the fuck you will! Mr. Worf, our entire compliment of fudge bags!