Space Baron came home from saving the world one day and checked the messeges on his answering machine. The first seven were from some wierdo who kept saying that he was dying or something. Space Baron could not be sure exactly becuse on the end of the seventh message was a really awful scream. But the eighth message was even more perplexing:
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," an evil laugh echoed from the tape, "It is I! BUREAUCRACY MAN!!!!!," the evil laugh said, "and I am going to get you!"
"Damn I wish people would leave more information on this machine, I've no idea how to get in contact with him now," Space Baron mumbled to himself. But Space Baron quickly lost the thought as he went to the cupboard and saw it was bare. "Quick Brian!" he said dramatically, "We must be off to the shops for emergency supplies!"
So Space Baron and Brian set off down the street to the shops and the whole Space Baron episode began to look ominously like one of thos ones where nothing much happens and I get bored and end it quickly and send it out even though I pro'lly shouldn't.
The two heroes came to the crossing and looking both ways, proceeded to cross the road. But there was a great flash of light and a short man in a business suit and a bowler hat stood before them.
"I'm sorry," said the man "You can't cross the road unless the little green man says you can."
"Alrighty then!" Space Baron said heroically, "Quick Brian, press the button to summon the little green man!"
"Um," siad Brian somewhat less heroically, "there is no button."
"That's right," the little man in the bowler's hat piped up, "You need to fill in a couple of forms to summon the green man now." He handed over a ream or two of paperwork. "First of all you'll have to fill out a declaration of your reasons for wanting to cross the street, then there's the means test by which we will determine your elegibility for crossing the street, then there's form 105A, which is an application for a requisition hearing for the forms for the forms for the forms for the forms, etc, for summoning infrastructural equipment. Oh, but before you fill in this one, you will need to supply four million points worth of identification. A drivers license is worth 6 points, a student card is worth two and a passport is worth four. All other forms of ID do not have a specific point value so you will have to fill in a form, one for each additional form of ID, and we will process it and get back to you with a nominal points value in eight to ten weeks..." He paused for a moment, "...Er, shall I continue, or do you just want to start on these forms and get to the rest later?"
Space Baron was (a little) taken aback. "S-so that means we won't be able to cross the road for at least eight to ten weeks?" he asked.
"Oh golly gosh no," the little man in the bowlers hat was trying hard to hide his enjoyment at this situation. "If you are lucky, you will eventually be able to get a hearing to bypass some of the paperwork due to special circumstances. But the chances of that are minimal. You are probably looking at a four year wait on your Road Crossing Permit."
"Four years?!?!" Space Baron was outraged, "It takes four years to get this damn piece of paper?"
The little man was obviously getting more satisfaction out of doing his job with every passing moment. He gleefully replied, "It's not just a piece of paper, it's a personalised certificate. Well that's not strictly true, if you want it to be personalised it will cost you an additional $350. But it will give you full road crossing privelages for all Suburban Class-M roads for up to eight hours."
Space Baron had had enough of this. "Come Brian," he said, "We'll cross elsewhere."
So the two of them walked a little way further down the road and proceeded to cross. But lo and behold, there was a brilliant flash of light and an identical little man in a bowlers hat stood before them.
"Quick Brian," said Space Baron, "Hand me my Space Baron Bad Guy Defeation Device!"
Brian, who had been rather quiet thus far in this episode simply replied, "Sure Space Baron, but first I'll just have to ask you to fill out Space Baron device requisition forms 8A, B and C, and sign a declaration of intent, clearing me of any and all involvement in any mis-super-heroing by you, but giving me substantial credit for anything good you do."
Space Baron jammed Brian in a nearby litter receptacle (because littering, he found, would have required a permit and a significant amount of paperwork) and raced home and locked to door.
Space Baron retired to the high-tech sanctuary beneath his house (which was secret, and therefore regulation free) to try and work out his next move. He went over to sit in his favourite beanbag, but as he approached it, it spun around to reveal an unwelcome occupant.
"So Space Baron, we finally meet..." said:
BUREAUCRACY MAN!!!!!!!!
"DIE YOU SCUM!!!!" Space Baron lunged at his latest nemesis, only to be lunged at and restrained by a small army of bodyguards.
"I see you got my message," Bureaucracy Man motioned towards the Space Baron Answering Machine. "I'm sorry I forgot to give you the rest of my message..." He paused for the dramatic music to kick in, but when it didn't, he continued, "Space Baron, I want you to join me in my ruthless domination of the world, you see, you have all these nifty Space Baron gadgets that I need," he said. "So... Are you with me?"
Space Baron shrugged off the grip of Bureaucracy Man's bodyguards and paced around the room, pondering the proposal. After a few moments of this he turned to Bureaucracy Man and said, "No way." And with that he pulled a lever, revealing a secret passage. He sprinted down the passage, and pressed another button that began to fill the passage with cement.
Bureaucracy Man smiled knowingly. He knew where the passage led, for he had the plans to Space Baron's apartment from his bureaucratic file. "Quick men," he said to his bodyguards, in much the same waty as Space Baron begins his requests of Brian, "Get outside and apprehend him, he's across the street."
As the words left Bureaucracy Man's lips, a look of defeat crept across his face. He realised that his own impenetrable web of bureaucratic red tape was to be his undoing. For Space Baron's apartment was on a suburban block. A suburban block, surrounded on four sides by roads. A suburban block surrounded on four sides with roads for which he had no permits to cross. A suburban block surrounded on four sides with roads for which he had no permits to cross which take at least four years to get. And he needed a lot of them due to the ridiculous number of bodyguards he kept with him.
So it was thus that Space Baron defeated Bureaucracy Man. The most prepared, and yet ironically unprepared villain he ever met.
THE END