The triumphant re-return of Space Baron, and the slightly less Earth-shatteringly triumphant return of Brian in...
December 20th, 1999.
Space Barons Apartment.
"Holy Crap!" said Brian, running into the lounge room from the kitchen, where he had been preparing eggs floumbae (raw egg) which was Space Baron's favourite.
"What is it?" said Space Baron, angry at being distracted from watching Beauty and The Beast, with Stan "The Man" Zemanek.
"Its only 8 days from the end of the millenium. What are we going to do?"
"Umm...nothing?"
"No, we need a bunker, but itll take weeks to construct one!"
"How about a paper hat in the shape of a sailboat?"
"O no, youre not fooling me again. I still havent got over how youn toldme Richard Wilkins was judging that silly-hat-competition so I turned up naked, wearing a sombrero. And it turned out being judged by Elle Macpherson instead. I was so humiliated." said Brian, nearly crying from relaying his story of pain and hurt to the reader, who, like Space baron, would probably have preferred not to know.
"Well, at least it all worked out in the end." said Space baron, grinning.
"Why, because you got to sleep with Elle Macpherson?"
"Yes. Anyway, I assure you Brian, paper hats are all we need to survive the apocalyptic chaos that is sure to descend. And anyway, it might not even happen, how silly would we look if we had a bunker for no reason."
"I suppose youre right." said Brian.
December 31st, 1999
Space Barons Apartment.
"Wow, we only just got these hats finished in time, Space Baron." said Brian. "have we packed suitable supplies in the hats?"
Space baron said " Food, mineral water, various weapons for self protection, adult magazines, and an elephant."
"An elephant?"
"With all modes of artificial transport rendered useless in the new millenium, we're going to need something to ride around on in the madness."
"Okay, but how are we going to fit an elephant into a paper hat."
"Well, actually I've got six elephants."
"How do you fit six elephants into a paper hat?" said Brian.
"Five in the back and one in the trunk."
"What?"
"Never mind," said Space Baron, "are you ready?"
Brian nodded. "Good luck Space Baron."
"Good luck Brian."
"I love you Space Baron."
"I know."
"And..." asked Brian.
"And if you dont put that hat on soon, youre going to need protection from the pre-apocalyptic chaos that i'll inflict ON YOUR HEAD!
"Okay, and with that, they both disappeared beneath their hats...
January 1st, 2000, 12:05 am.
Space Baron's Apartment.
Space Baron and Brian emerged from their hats, and the elephants followed.
Brian looked out the window, and said. "My God."
Spade Baron looked out the window and saw a scene of destruction so incredible its like nothing youve ever seen before, and thus is not worth describing since you wouldn't recognise it. They ran downstairs and jumped on the elephants, riding them around Brisbane. They sawthat everything was on fire, and they saw a lone fireman trying to put it out, but then he caught on fire himself, because in the post-millenial-apocalyptic chaos, everything has to be on fire. Soon they came upon a man.
"Hail, strangers." said the man.
"Hail yourself," said Brian. "Whats happening?"
"there are barely 50 people alive on the planet. And they are all in Brisbane. We have formed a new civilisation. And we have a leader."
"Nelson Mandella? Bill Clinton? Wierd Al Yankovic?" asked Space Baron, aware that these three had formed a travelling juggling troupe which had happened to be in Brisbane at the time.
"No." said the man. "Stan Zemanek."
"What?" chorused Brian and Space Baron, before completing another verse then moving onto the bridge.
"Whats that fuckwith doing in charge?" said Brian.
The man took out his gun, and said "Right. Defaming the leader is a capital crime. Come with me." They were taken away, and imprisoned overnight.
January 2nd, 2000.
Stan Zemaneks world wide domination headquarters.
Space Baron and Brian were taken out of the cell. and led to Stan's office.
"Right, whats this I hear about two giving me crap. At least I'm not some kind of feminist, spiky haired, backpacking, dope smoking, dole-bludging, single mother."
Space Baron and Brian looked at each other, and Brian said, "True, but you cant take over the Earth."
"Why not, I destroyed it in the first place."
"What?"
"Yeah, I caused all this."
"How?" asked Brian.
"Thats not important. Take them away to be executed!"
Space Baron and Brian were led away. Inside their cell, they fretted over their upcoming execution. "O Space Baron, I never thought it would end like this; executed by henchmen in the new headquarters of the Stan Zemanek World Wide Domination Force, in a post-apocalyptic chaos."
"No," said Space Baron, "I didnt see it coming either. But I think we can solve everything."
"How?"
"I've still got the time machine from previous episodes. All we have to do is go back and kill Stan Zemanek."
"Are you sure, there are incredible moral questions about destroying the past to save the future," said Brian.
"No, theres not. Lets go." said Space Baron. And they did.
December 17th, 1999
Channel Ten studios, Brisbane.
"Goddamit, wheres my bagel! I'm not going on without my bagel!" said Stan, with just five minutes before the show was due to go on air.
"Umm, I think I saw it down there," said a figure, pointing down a dark and deserted corridor in the studio. The figure was hiding its face, and disguising its voice, but Stan could tell it was of those punk kids from Neighbours. He prolly stole it and dropped it down there. Stan wobbled down the corridor, but stopped suddenly when he could no longer see where he was going. Suddenly a dark figure, wearing a mask, and knee pads, stepped out of the darkness.
"This one's for the future," he whispered. And killed Stan Zemanek.
December 31st, 1999.
Space Baron's Apartment.
"Do you think we finally, eventually, actually did something superhero-ish and saved the world, Space Baron?" asked Brian.
"Theres only one way to tell, Brian." said Space Baron. They put on their paper hats, with five elephants in the back and one in the boot, and held on....
HAS POST MILLENIAL APOCALYPTIC CHAOS BEEN AVERTED?
DID LAUREN GIVE ME THE IDEA FOR THIS SPACE BARON BECAUSE SHE LIKES STAN ZEMANEK SO MUCH?
CAN WE REALLY CHANGE THE FUTURE BY CHANGING THE PAST, OR ARE WE DESTINED TO END UP IN A TIME VORTEX, FROM WHICH NOTHING CAN ESCAPE?
Found out in the next funny-bone-jarring episode of Space Baron!