A short note to readers on the nature of the universe:
In order to follow the events in this story, it is necessary to have an understanding of the basic nature of our universe. Since it�s creation, the universe has maintained a remarkably convenient chemical balance. When I say convenient, I mean that if the balance were to move � even very slightly � we would be obliterated. We have been relatively safe up until now, because the chemical substances that we know of do not cancel each other out very readily. However, with the great leaps forward in �scientific� thinking of this century, we are on the verge of discovering two substances � called Filmunk and Whraganae � which, when mixed in even microscopic quantities, will cause a chain reaction that will end all existence.
But don�t worry, they don�t exist just yet.
"A metaphor is like a literal simile in the guise of a riddle!" exclaimed Brian at the top of his voice as he entered the room dressed in a sheet held on with a rope. His arms were raised above his head as if he were addressing a multitude of people.
"What bunk are you spouting now, Brian?" said Space Baron, as he selected a nice lavender coloured gag from a box he kept on the coffee table, thinking it would match Brian's attire nicely.
"Speak not, lest ye would have thine words heard and responded to!" chanted Brian. "For I have decided to become a philosopher-prophet! I am a man of wisdom, great thinking and foresight! And all my sentences shall fittingly be ended by the all-powerful exclamation mark! ALL HAIL THE EXCLAMATION MARK!"
"Prophet? Wisdom? Exclamation mark?" said Space Baron.
"But alas and alack!" said a sorrowful Brian, "My newly discovered intellect has reduced the mental capacity of my fellow kinsmen to the level of the humble snail by comparison! Oh woe is I! I shall be forever misunderstood and mistrusted wherever I go! Such is the burden of the greatest mind this world has ever known!" He put his hands to his forehead and swooned as if some inner torment tormented him.
Space Baron said nothing as he bound and gagged his clearly mad sidekick and hauled him up to the big trunk he kept in the attic. He locked the trunk and took the key back downstairs.
"Say not that you meant what you did fellow man!" wailed Brian as he came into the room once again, "For I am BRIAN THE PERSECUTED!!! BRIAN THE PERPERTUALLY WRONGED!!! He who is never left be! The will of many men, both pure and evil, is to see me banished from this world! They are jealous and scared that one so mighty and all powerful of myself and the master that I humbly serve!"
"You mean..." started Space Baron.
"THE EXCLAMATION MARK!!!" Brian bellowed as he raised his arms to the heavens. "The thing that knows all, and talks with my tongue! How else could I come to know your name - SPACE BARON!" He pointed an accusing finger at Space Baron. "He commands all our destinies and bids us to obey his wisdom!"
"Uh huh?" Space Baron wished to put an end to this once and for all, "And what does his wisdom say that you should do now?" He asked.
Brian bowed his head and swayed from side to side. He twirled around and around until he fell to the floor and stared up at Space Baron with dizzy eyes. "He bids me go and rent a video!" he said dramatically.
"Have fun," said Space Baron, glad to be rid of Brian for a little while, and also looking forward to the video.
"Yet the ! works in mysterious ways!" Brian said, "For he knows not that I know not the way to the video shop! My burden it is to serve his will, but there is not one living in this world who is not also subservient to his greater will!"
"Meaning you want a lift," Space Baron guessed.
"Bear me to this realm of rentable entertainment, that the wish of the ! may be fulfilled! We have spent too much time in idle conversation already! Time passes like a trickle of precious water in the desert! Let us not squander our precious time! O for a time when time itself behaves not as time does, but more as a sheet of ice as time and seasons render it solid and still with time! Time is almost as important as the ! !"
Space Baron decided to humour Brian and the ! for a while, mainly because he didn't mind the idea of borrowing a video. he resolved to put an end to this business and Brian's increasingly nonsensical ramblings after the preachings of the ! no longer suited his needs.
* * * MEANWHILE... * * *
It was a drizzly dawn when the crew of the pirate ship �StopitIsay�, which was anchored off the coast came ashore. Their captain, Kemptbeard, had an appointment to keep with a potential client.
�Greetings,� his client greeted him as the longboat came to rest upon the beach. �Come inside my beach house, and I will fill you in on the details of my plan to rid the world of Space Baron�s heroic persecutions.
Kemptbeard nodded and stomped up the beach towards the beach house. He walked in and sat down with a crunch in a rather sturdy armchair. �Aharrrr! I�ll be hopin� that ye have na� brung me here to waste me time Mr Killpeopleviolently,� he boomed, �I be a verry busy man ye know.�
�Er it�s Doctor,� replied the Superbly Evil Dr Killpeopleviolently, �Dr Killpeopleviolently.�
�I don�t care if it's Mary Lou! Now bring me a drink! And a comb fer me beard!� was Kemptbeard�s reply. �Now!� He smashed his fist through the wall.
�Alright, alright,� said the Superbly Evil Dr Killpeopleviolently calmly. �Would you like to try a drink of my own concoction called Filmunk?� he asked.
�Aye whatever!� boomed Kemptbeard, �Just make sure thar be some alcohol in it!�
The Superbly Evil Dr Killpeopleviolently placed the drink in front of Kemptbeard who asked about his comb and threw the drink down his throat. �Yeeeeaaaaacccchhhhh! What�s in that? It�s bloody disgustin�,� he said, �bring me more!�
Little did Kemptbeard know, he had just drunk a control serum. It rendered him highly susceptible to suggestion. A fact which the Superbly Evil Dr Killpeopleviolently was quick to exploit.
�GO AND KILL SPACE BARON!� he commanded. And before he could utter another word, Kemptbeard had smashed his way out of the beach house and was on his way to do just that.
* * * MEANWHILE * * *
During the trip to the video shop, Brian sat cross legged in the passenger seat of the Space Baron Mobile meditating. He was humming monotonously and his temples throbbed with excess mental capacity. When they arrived at the local Blockbuster, Brian willed the window of the Space Baron Mobile to wind itself down and he floated out of the car.
To be continued due to the single sitting rule...
WILL BRIAN SUCCEED IN SPREADING THE TEACHINGS OF THE ! TO THE WORLD?
WILL THEY FIND A VIDEO THAT THEY BOTH LIKE?
WILL KEMPTBEARD GET HIS BEARD DIRTY IN THE PURSUIT OF SPACE BARON?
HAVE I JUST KILLED THE CC FOREVER?
POSSIBLY...
WELL, ACTUALLY THERE ARE TWO SCHOOLS OF THOUGHT ON THAT ISSUE...
SHUT UP!
MAKE ME!
NO!
OH, OK...