Filthy McNasty
This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
Q: What do the vacuum dirt devil and Viagra have in common?
A: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand...
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting loaded.
A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: and then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Ricky; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Ricky the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So he buys Ricky. The farmer takes Ricky home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a peptalk, "Ricky, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.
Ricky seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Ricky takes off like a shot. ~WHAM!~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked. Ricky runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. ~WHAM!~ He gets all the geese. Ricky's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Ricky is jumping on every animal the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Ricky dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Ricky, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Ricky opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer...."
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
My Doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. What can I do for you today, the Doctor asked?
The aged Gentleman replied: Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath....Doctor I’m scared !!!
The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said : Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?
His response was: Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!
A man walks into the doctors office for his appointment... when the doctor comes to see him, he asks, "Whats the problem?" The man pulls down his pants and and shows the doc that he has an orange dick... Amazed at what he sees, the doctor runs a series of tests and the results show that the man has no type of sickness. The doctor asks,"Do you work in a place that is exposed to any chemicals?" "No, I don't work" he says. The doc asks, "Then what do you do all day?" The man responds, "I sit at home, watch porno movies and eat cheetos."
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires Is that true? The husband replies
Well not exactly, she’s the one that suffers, not me.
One day Tony's wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it and a guy says, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.
What color? they asked. He settled for white.
How much does it cost? he asked. Twenty dollars.
Very good, he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea.
Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits?Oranges? No, he said, nothing like that.
Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s bust resembles. He thought long and hard and then looked up and said,
Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'
