MEDICAL JOKES
A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologist's adviceand entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.
"What's up doc?" he asked nervously.
"Uh, well......there's been a bit of a mix-up," admitted his surgeon. "I'm afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis."
"What!" gasped the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, I'm sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, "only it'll be somebody else's."
An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6 months togetherthe woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctorexamined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were.
In a rage, she dialled her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?"
Mrs Bloggs went to the doctor because she was constipated.
"Well, do you do anything about it?" he enquired.
"Of course I do, doctor, I sit there for hours."
" No, no Mrs Bloggs, I mean, do you take anything?"
"Oh yes doctor, I takes my knitting."
Swine Flu
The common symptoms of Swine Flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud.
A birth control pill is the other thing a girl can put in her mouth to stop her from getting pregnant.
These are actual statements taken from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and several doctors from some major hospitals.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
