Q: Why is the government like a prostitute?
A: You're always getting screwed and you have to pay
for it!
A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'
Q: What does President Clinton do with every abortion bill that crosses his desk?
A: He pays it.
When I was in school...My teacher told me I'd never grow up to
be president. But as often as I was in school,
I could make it into the Senate.
Q: What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton'
at KFC?
A: Two small breasts and a left wing.
While flying over the USA, Bill Clinton tells Hillary that he is going to throw a five dollar bill out the window to make someone happy.
Hillary decides to throw out a twenty to make four people happy.
The pilot looks back and says "Why not throw yourselves out and make eveyone happy"
Q: How are politicians and dirty diapers alike?
A: They both need changing for the same reason.
Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
1. "Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White
House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake
him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up
just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Q: If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill
Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one
would win?
A: Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that
harass is one word.
ACTUAL LETTERS TO WELFARE
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department applications for support of receiving payments.
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
14. I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
16. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
