SICK JOKES
Q: What do you call a man with his hand up a horse's ass?
A: An Amish mechanic
Two necrophiles work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her
out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin'
you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?"
"No, says the first, "sour."
Q: What is green and melts in your mouth?
A: A leper's dick.
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He
took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine.
To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and
taste."
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his
mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the
good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they
dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of
you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into
the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
Two cannibals were in the woods having lunch when one turned to the other
and said, "You know, I really can't stand my mother-in-law."
To which the other cannibal replied, "Then just eat the noodles."
MANY years ago, a man and woman were on their first date. They were in
their horse and buggy going down the road during a thunder storm.
The woman then had to pass gas. She decided to wait until the next clap of
thunder to pass the gas.
All of a sudden the thunder and lightning came, so she let it rip.
She then looked at her date and said, "Wow, this is a real bad storm."
"Yeah," he replied, "the lightning must have just hit an outhouse!"
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before
she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all
over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that
cow manure, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on
yet."
A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while,
the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you
have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years.
This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the
street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."
Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"
"No", Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held
it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it
up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she
asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
Two cannibals were walking through the jungle, when one shouted, "Look what
I see," pointing to two missionaries on bikes.
"Oh, goody," said the other cannibal. "Meals on wheels."
Once there was a man who was working with explosives. One day, an accident
occurred and he was blown to bits by dynamite.
His grieving widow was wondering at his grave if her dead husband was going
to get to heaven.
A couple of his coworkers were there at the time and overheard what his
wife was crying about, so they said to her, "We don't know, but he seemed
to be heading in that direction."
Q: What do you call Miss Piggy suntanning on the beach with a yeast
infection?
A: Hot Ham and Cheese
