The cosy darkness of Bernard’s room was suddenly broken as a searing shaft of light shined in from the now opening door. "Bernard, get out of bed this instance! It’s your first day of school and your already going to be late!" Said an irritating and snooty voice. Bernard said up and squinted at his clock, half eight? "Wot da Fuk?!?" he mumbled, "I ain’t getting’ up ‘dis early bitch, fuck off"

"I told you Bernard That those words are for grown ups, five year old boys shouldn’t be using vulgar language like that." his mum chided him.

"fuck you mother, and fuck that bitch there!" he yelled pointing at his teddy.

"Bernard! What did Mr. Snuffle ever do to you? He’s the only friend your going to have if you carry on like this, now apologise and I’ll make you breakfast"

"Get the fuck out you ugly muff, and take that fluffy peace of shit with you!" Bernard screamed waving his arms wildly in the direction of his bear.

The cosy darkness resumed as the door slowly shut.

It was half eleven when Bernard stepped out of the car and looked at the large and daunting building that was Littlewood primary school.

"Good luck sweetie, I hope your first day goes well." his mum said from the front seat.

"Get the fuck away from me cock suck, now I’m late ‘coz of you’s bitch!" Bernard snarled pointing at her.

"I’m sorry you feel that way Bernard." The car sped off with a roar of screeching tyres.

Bernard looked again at the building he already hated. Time to go see what they wanted, he thought. Strolling into the reception he looked around at the chairs and desk. A plump jolly looking old women was sitting behind it, typing. Bernard wondered over and greeted the lady.

"Hey fat bitch, give me some fucking attention."

She gave a short startle, then peered over the edge to see the 2 ft tall foul mouth.

She cocked one eye at him, then said "You’re new here aren’t you?"

"Yeah no fucking shit, now answer my freaking question porky."

She paused, "You know in my day little children didn’t speak to there elders like that."

"Oh yeah? Well I’m so sorry, I mean really really sorry, in fact I’m so sorry I think I’ll write it down and let you use it as a fucking tampon!" Bernard spat.

"Whatever class you put me in hoe." Was the charming reply.

"Oh I’ll let you check the fucking registers, this time." He narrowed his eyes.

"What’s your name?" she said rifling through the items on her desk. "Bernard, Bernard McBitch, and spell it right dog."

"well Bernard, it looks like your in Miss. Tittiewinkle’s class, she’s new and so good with children, you are lucky to have her."

"Oh I’ll have her all right, have her good." Bernard slowly nodded his head and rubbed his chin. The receptionist raised one eyebrow at him. "Go easy on her dear, this is her first year as well you know."

"shut da fuck up!" Was the only answer he gave before Bernard strutted down the nearest corridor.

After Bernard had strolled into various class rooms at random and shot off his mouth at the school hamster he finally found Miss Tittiewinkle’s room. Opening the door he found A slim attractive blonde women reading to a group of children sitting on a brightly coloured play mat.

"Hey is this Miss. Tittie’s class?" Bernard enquired

"No, this is Miss Tittiewinkle’s class." The answer the blonde women gave was met with giggling and muttering by the group of children.

"Well I was gonna supply the winkle myself, baby doll." He said with a large wink. The group of children met this with mute silence. After a long pause she said, "Are you Bernard McBitch?"

"The one and only darlin’ Wanna fuck?" Bernard said with a cheeky smile and another wink.

"Erm no, but you can apologise for being," she checked her watch "4 hours late on your first day of school"

"yeah and you could go down and suck me blind." He spat out bitterly.

"Fine fine, just sit down with the other children and listen to the rest of the story."

There was some shuffling as everyone got comfortable again and Bernard sat down next to a scruffy brown haired boy.

"Now where was I?" Miss Tittiewinkle said to herself flicking between the pages. "Oh oh I know!" said Bernard frantically waving her arm in the air. "You were in my pants last night baby!" He said clicking his fingers and pointing.

"Bernard! Please stop with the potty mouth, your scaring poor Sarah." she said harshly pointing to a small girl that was crying in the corner.

"Ok, ok, anything for you good looking." He said grumbling.

"Now, let me carry on. O stop stop cried the mole in… Yes Bernard?"

"Was mole gettin’ it up the arse by a queer boy?" Bernard asked with a mock frown.

"No, if you let me finish the sentence I’ll…"

"Is that a yes?"

"No, just listen Bernard and it’ll make…"

"So if he didn’t get taken from behind was some bitch sucking him?"

"NO, just pay attention alright? Save your questions for the end."

"Well fine, if this school doesn’t promote free thinking it looks like I’ll have to do something about it" he said then promptly turned around and spat in the scruffy looking kids face.

"Bernard! What was that for?!? He did nothing to you"

"He tried to touch me, and besides it was a political statement, so shut the fuck up you dumb blonde before I ride you stupid!" he yelled.

"Well, children, I think its best to just ignore the naughty elements of this class and carry on with the wind in the willows. Now where was I, oh yes. O stop stop cried the mole in ecstasies, this is too much!"

"Ain’t ecstasies a fancy word for a hard on?" Bernard shouted out. "No, that’s erection, and it sounds nothing like the word ecstasies." She clapped a hand to her mouth when she realised what she’d said. "But anyway, what would you know about those things?"

"I know I’ve got one now BAY-BEE!" he said jumping to his feet and thrusting his hips. "Sit down Bernard! And stop that nonsense this minute!"

"Oh ok," said Bernard glumly, sitting down.

"anyway, I’ll carry on. I like your clothes awfully, old chap, he remarked…" She stopped reading and looked at Bernard waving his arm in the air and sniggering. "Get out this instant Bernard!" she yelled pointing at the door.

"NO! why don’t YOU get ‘em out!" retorted Bernard

"I said get out out, get out NOW!"

"Oh that’s ok then." He said calmly walking out side.

Bernard spent the next half an hour standing outside the classroom vandalising the various displays of children’s work that were on the walls. Finally Miss. Tittiewinkle called him back inside.

"I hope you’ve learned your lesson Bernard." She said sternly

"Dam right I have, the next time I need a piss I won’t do it up against the wall there, stinks ‘a shit." He waved his hand at the display board titled "Out-standing achievements"

Miss. Tittiewinkle paused to look at the board for a minute.

"That was just one of the lessons I want you to remember, tell me the others."

"Well," Bernard scratched his head. "The other lesson is, that by using the power of my mind, I can de-clothe you, watch" Bernard closed his eyes and started humming, then he put his hands on his head and clucked like a chicken. After several minutes had passed with Bernard doing this he suddenly jumped at Miss. Tittiewinkle. "Blah!" two things happened immediately after that, the first was that Bernard fell on his face amid laughter from the other children. The second was that he realised Miss. Tittiewinkle had moved to the other side of the class in the 5 minutes he took Clucking. "Oh Bernard, are you ok?" Miss Tittiewinkle said running to him. Bernard groaned. "No I’m not ok, I think I broke myself. Please, give me mouth to mouth."

"CPR’s only for the unconscious Bernard." She said laughing.

"Who said anything about CPR? I said give me mouth to mouth" he said trying to see up her skirt from the floor.

"No Bernard no, that’s a bad Bernard!" she said smacking him on the nose with a text book.

"Bah! If you won’t go down maybe I will!" he squealed frantically bending over double and thrashing around on the floor.

"Bernard! You’ll hurt yourself."

"oh right yeah, I’d better stop then." He retorted still rolling around.

Miss. Tittiewinkle walked hastily to her desk were she took a syringe from the bottom draw.

"We only supposed to use this on pupils with Epilepsy and syphilis, so you better have one of them" she said removing the plastic cover from the needle and walking over to him. Bernard had just enough time to ask why before she shoved it into his arm. A murky darkness engulfed him.

Bernard woke up in the medical room. Everything was swirling. He saw Miss Tittiewinkle’s face as she looked at him.

"Bernard, it appears I made a slight error," she said uneasily scratching the back of her neck. "It seems you didn’t have syphilis or epilepsy, so you’ve got roughly six seconds of consciousness left before you slip into a coma for 9 years. Any last words?" she said hopefully.

"Well," Bernard paused. "Flibble flibble flabble flobble." He murmured chuckling to himself before he slipped off into darkness.