FUNNY
SHIT
(2)
FUNNY
SHIT
(2)
A red neck has sex with his sister. Afterwards, she says, "You fuck a lot better than daddy does." "I should, mommy taught everything I know"
---
It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten. The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I made out! I got Power Rangers stuff, Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie -Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?" "Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid. "Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid. The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of cancer."
---
A guy's screwing this girl and she says, "Excuse me, but isn't it a presumptuous to assume you can screw me on our first date? "Well, yeah" the man replies, "But isn't PRESUMPTUOUS a big word for a first-grader to be using?"
---
A man calls into work sick. This is the conversation.
Man: "Boss, I can't come into today. I'm really sick. I've been in bed all day."
Boss: "WHAT! Are you crazy? This is the day we are meeting with our most important account!!"
Man: "Sorry boss, I'm REALLY sick." Boss: "Just HOW sick can one man be?"
Man: "Well for starters, right now I'm fucking my 5 year old daughter."
---
What's the difference between a child molester and a Greyhound Dog? The Greyhound Dog waits until the hairs out of the box.
---
The judge asks the man why he shot his wife. The man says she was sleeping with my best friend. The judge says what did you do to your best friend. The man says I swatted him with a newspaper and said bad boy.
---
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
---
A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.
"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...
"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained.
"We did!", he says, "I just crapped in your handbag!"
---
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after using them.
---
What did one frog say to the other?
Mmmmm you really do taste like chicken!
---
Q: What did one faggot say to the other faggot at the gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in?
---
Two faggots were talking, and one had a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter, Brucie?" asked the other faggot.
"Oh, I have something stuck up my ass, Markie. Could you check it out for me?"
"OK -- bend over."
So Brucie bends over and Markie sticks his hand up his ass.
"It's deeper, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "It's -deeper-, Markie!", so Markie sticks his hand in deeper. "I feel it!" says Markie, "What is that?"
"It's *deeper*, Markie!", says Brucie, so Markie puts his hand in deeper, still. "Ew!", says Markie, "It's wrapped around my wrist! What -is- that?!" He pulls his hand out and looks at it. "It's a Rolex watch!", he says, "What are you doing with a Rolex watch up your ass?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you......"
---
Jonny the faggot is showering with his boyfriend, Danny, all of a sudden Jonny notices a little cum-looking puddle on the ground and get's furious : "Danny, what did I tell you about farting in the shower?"
---
A guy goes into work hung over as hell. his buddy looks at him and says "You look like shit. Rough night, eh?"
He says back "I'm so ashamed. I got home from the bar last night and blew chunks!"
His buddy says "That's not so bad, I've done that plenty of times."
"But you don't understand... Chunks is my dog!"
---
Lesbian one ... Where's the soap ?
Lesbian two ... Yes it does doesn't it !
---
There's a fag who wakes in the morning and he walks into the kitchen, and see's his boyfriend Johnny jacking off into a bag, so then Ralph (the first gay guy) asks "what are you doing?" To which Johnny replies, "Packing your lunch."
---
What is 6.9? 69 ruined by a period.
---
What do homosexauls and the Battle of Pearl Harbor have in common?
Cockpits full of bloody seamen
---
The Three Bears are coming back from their nightly walk, and they see their house from about 30 feet away and they could tell that someone had just broken in. The whole family runs in, and they all try and find out if anything that has been taken. The poppa bear asks the mother, " Did you find anything missing?" " No." she said
Then he asked the youngest bear, "Did you find anything missing?"
" No." He said " But my tennis racket smell like tuna fish!"
---
What did the deaf, dumb, blind and mute kid get for christmass?
Cancer!
What did he get for his birthday?
Nothing, he was going to die anyway.
---
This little girl is in her house right after christmas and she is looking out her window on a beautiful day. Outside all the neighborhood kids are playing with their new toys. She asks her dad if she can go outside.
Dad: You can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad I'll be good.
Dad: No you can't. You're grounded.
Girl: Please dad, pleeeeeeeaaaase! I'll do anything.
Dad: (Dad being somewhat of a pervert) OK, I'll let you go outside on one condition.
Girl: (Looking excited) Anything dad.
Dad: If you want to go outside you have to give me a blowjob.
Girl: (Freaking out) WHAT? Are you CRAZY? Forget it.
The girl goes over by the window looks outside and starts grabbing her hair going crazy wanting to go outside. She looks over to her dad, then outside, then to her dad then all of a sudden...
Girl: OK, OK, OK, I'll do it.
So dad pulls down his pants, pulls down his underwear and whips out his dick. His daughter grabs it and puts it in her mouth and starts sucking. then...
Girl: AAUUGH! (spit, spit, gag, cough) Dad that tastes like shit.
Dad: Oh, it must be because your brother borrowed the car in the morning.
---
A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After awhile the man starts talking into his hand. The bartender looks over. 'Fucking nutter!' he thinks. But the man continues to talk into his hand. Fifteen minutes pass and curiosity gets the better of the bar man. He walks over to the man and asks, "Why are you talking into your hand?"
The man looks up, then says into his hand 'just a moment' He then tells then barman that he is testing out a new mobile phone, built into the palm of his hand.
"Bullshit!" cries the barman. But the man puts his hand to the barman's ear, and to the barman's surprise, he can hear someone, who starts talking to the barman.
"Wow," says that barman, "That's amazing!"
The 'phone-in-hand' man then excuses himself and goes to the toilet.
Half an hour passes and the man does not return from the toilet. Confused and worried, the barman goes into the toilet, only to find the man with his pants down, masturbating furiously.
"What the fuck are you doing??" Screams the barman.
"It's o.k. mate," replies the man," I've just got a fax coming through"
---
A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.
"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "pity she's a man."
The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.
"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."
The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.
So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a converstaion. They hit it off really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.
Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue the'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.
"This is my chance" says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is' So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.
"Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.
"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"
"And I didn't know you were taking a shit" the man replies.
---
A guy walks into the bar and orders 9 shots of tequilia. So the bartender pours nine shots and the man downs one after the other. "Holy shit!" the baretnder exclaimes "That the most tequila I've ever seen anyone drink that fast before - whats the occassion!?!" "My first blow job" the man anounces quite plainly "Well" the bartender replies "let me buy you another!" "Listen, if 9 doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, another one won't help."
---
How does a homo fake an orgasm.
He spits on the other guys back and moans.
---
whats the difference between a fag and a refrigerator?
answer: a refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
---
What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!
---
What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
Having two legs.
---
Three Homosexuals are discussing their fantasies..
The first says "OOOo, my fantasy is to be a hair dresser and do nothing but touch people's hair and cut the hair of famous people and wash hair. OOoooo, that would be sooo sexy."
The second says "I'd love to be a top fashion designer and desgin all the new clothes and have the sexy models model them on the catwalk and have everyone love my clothes. That would be super."
The third one says "I'd love to be playing in a game of football with the Canberra Raiders(an australian team) against the Brisbane Broncos (another Aussie team)"
The other two say "Is that all?"
Homo 3 replies "Oh not at all. i can imagine it. We're down by one try. There's two minutes left. Laurie Dayley passes me the ball. I run down the full length of the field, dodging all the Broncos. And then two metres from the try line I fumble, dropp the ball, the siren goes and the broncos win the game and my team loses"
The other two look dumbfounded. "How is that a fantasy?" they ask.
"Couldn't you imagine it?" says #3, " Ten thousand Canberra fans screaming "FUCK HIM! FUCK HIM!!'
---
Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and bored to tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet here tomorrow and tell each other what we did.
The other gentleman agreed and each man began walking in opposite directions down the beach.
The next day, they meet and the first guy says:
"So...Tell me about your day!"
The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a great one! I found a small little oasis with a pond and some cool grass and spent the day swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What happened to you?
His friend laughed and said: "You're never going to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the coast and came to these train tracks. I walked down the tracks about a mile and found this girl with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied to the rails! I untied her and carried her to some grass nearby and we spent all day and night having the most incredible sex I've ever had! This girl was amazing! We did everything together!"
The other guy looked at his friend in amazement and asked him..."Everything?"
"Everything!" he replied.
"Did she suck your dick?"
"Well...no...She didn't do that..." the man said with a sigh..."I couldn't find her head!"
---
What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face !
---
what do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
a lickalotapus
---
Pedro goes into jail for the first time and gets thrown in a mean lookin dude named Bubba . Bubba says to Pedro "what do you want to be the mommy or the daddy" Pedro figuring he doesnt have much choice naturally says " The daddy" To which Bubba replies "well come over here and suck mommy's dick".
This boy says"Daddy what's a pervert?"
The dad replies "shut up and keep suckin".
These two guys are stranded on a deserted island. After many months of nothing, one guy says to the other, "How about we try the anal sex thing? What do you think?" After much thought, the second guy said "OK". So the first guy says, "You bend over, and let me know what you think. If you like it, sing a song; and if you don't like it, make an animal sound."
So then the second guy says, "Moooooo... Mooooooo... Moooooon River"
---
What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homosexual?
A hunting dog sics ducks
---
A man is in the shower with his 6-year old daughter when she asks "Whats that between your legs daddy?" "Thats a penis honey." he replies. "Will I ever get one?" she asks. "Yes, as soon as mommy leaves for work"
---
One day during confession the priest had to take a shit. No one was coming in so the father was going to run to the bathroom. But as soon as he steped out of the confession box a woman ran up to him. Father I must talk with you. The father asked her to wait in the booth. she went inside and the father called for Ray the janitor and asked him to fill in confession for a moment. so Ray gets into the booth. and asked the woman here sins. the woman replyed I had sex with a married man. Ray looks on a peice of paper and looks up adultry. then tells the women to say ten hail-mary and bless your self in holy water. then a man comes in. forgive me father I stole money. Ray looks up stealing and tells him to say five hail-mary and bless your self in holy water. Soon a woman came in and said forgive me father I gave a man a blowjob. Ray looks up blowjob and there was nothing, he then looked up oral sex and there was nothing. Ray looks out the door and see's little billy the alter boy. Ray called for billy. What does the father give for a blowjob? Little billy looks at ray and say a snickers bar and a pat on the back!
---
This guy goes into a whorehouse and asks the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time... she sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. she whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet.. thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out.. minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth.. still thinking this is normal he continues.. soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up.. "excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "no, but the last guy was!"
---
what do two lesbians need to mary?
a liquor license
---
How do you know if your sister is having her period?
Dad's cock tastes funny.
---
A priest, a rabbi, and ten children are on a boat when it begins to sink. Much to the dismay of everyone on board, there aren't enough life jackets to go around. The priest yells out to the rabbi, "Save the children!." The rabbi turns to the priest and screams, " Fuck the children!" The priest looks at him for a second, and says, "Do we have time for that?"
---
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:
Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.
Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it.
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Golly!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.
Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...
Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.
Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh, no.
Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays.
---
There was this 92-year-old woman whose body was covered from head to toe with big festering pus-filled boils. They were on her face, her arms and her legs...everywhere. Each was filled with mucus and blood.
This old lady was also a masochist, so she put an ad in the paper offering to pay anyone five thousand dollars if they would bite off each and every one of her boils.
She didn't get any immediate response, but sure enough after a while this guy was desperate for money and agreed to do the job.
He showed up at the woman's house and she came out in a robe. She peeled it off and revealed her boil covered body. The guy groaned at the tought of the task ahead of him, but he just kept concentrating on the five grand and went to work, biting on a boil on the woman's arm until it popped blood and puss all over his face.
He kept going for over five hours, biting off the boils between the elderly woman's toes and in her armpits. He bit off boils on her inner thighs and inside of her ears. Finally he was finished and he fell back with a pant, covered with blood, pus, mucous and dripping with sweat. The woman lay on the bed a mass of crimson patches of bruises and ripped flesh.
"Okay lady..." the man said with a gasp, "I did it...now give me the five grand..."
"Just a second, sonny..." the woman said with a grin, "there's one more left!"
She bent over and spread her wrinkled withered butt cheeks to reveal a gigantic boil about the size of a baby's head growing right out of her ass. The man rolled his eyes and gagged and said to himself..."What the hell, I've gone this far...only one left...I need the money...what the hell..." and then dove face first at the butt boil, gnawing and biting at it repeatedly trying to make it pop.
Then, out of the blue, the old woman let out a giant fart.
The man reeled back from between her butt crack and yelled at her:
"WHAT ARE YA TRYING TO DO LADY...MAKE ME SICK?!?"
---
A man desperate for sex goes to a whorehouse with only $5 to his name. He approaches the madam of the house who politely informs him that five dollars won't get him anything. He pleads and pleads for sex until the madam finally tells him: "OK, go to room five."
Our horny hero heads over to room five, opens the door and sees this just absolutely beautiful blond girl lying there naked. WIthout any hesitation, he jumps on her and starts going at it. Five hours later, he's almost done when sperm starts coming out of her ears, her eyes, her mouth....just everywhere! The guy freaks and runs to the front where he tells the madam what's happened. She yells out, "The dead girl in room five is full again!
---
Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was school?" Little Johhny replies "I had sex for the first time today!" Little Johnny's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home. Later, Little Johnny's father comes to his room, sits down and says "Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?"
The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks "Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny replies "No, my ass still hurts from yesterday."
---
Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand!
---
Q: What's 3 feet tall and gives me head?
A: My son.
---
Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
---
Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.
---
Q: What has six legs and eats pussy ?
A: You, me and Ellen Degeneres.
---
What do Rabbi's to with all those foreskins they snip?
They sell them to the Gay's as Chewing Gum!
---
Did you hear Elton John & Michael Jackson are doing a duet?
'Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me'
---
A Pedophile and a 10 year old were walking throught the woods. The sky grew darker, the brush got thicker, and the sounds of the forest were closing in....
The child said "I'm scared!" The pedophile said, "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"
---
Mike and Bill are old fishing buddies who haven't seen each other in years. They used to grow up together in the old neighborhood and go fishing every chance they could.
Deciding it was finally time to catch up with each other, the two friends embarked on a fishing trip and began talking about what was going on in their lives.
"Hey Bill," Mike says, "Remember Ellen Banks?"
Bill smiles, "You mean Easy Ellen? You mean Every Imput Ellen?!? Yeah. I remember her all right! Didn't she have sex with the entire football team?"
"Yep. That's her." Mike replies.
"Well, what about her?"
Mike smiles as he unpacks his fishing gear... "I married her." he says proudly.
Feeling embarrassed, Bill tries to make up for insulting his friends wife.
"Boy...I guess you must have a pretty great sex life with that Ellen!" Bill says uneasily.
Mike sighs and says: "Well, not really. Her pussy is covered with sores and lesions and it's really dirty. I actually can't have sex with her at all."
"Well, Ellen had some great tits! I bet at least those keep you happy!"
Mike shakes his head no. "Her breasts are covered with cancer and they really can't be touched."
"But Ellen was known for giving great blow jobs! Those must get you thru the night."
Mike shrugs his shoulders. "Nope. She can't do that either anymore. Her mouth is riddled with herpes and mucus. I'm not even supposed to kiss her."
Bill looks over at his friend perplexed..."So if you can't fuck her, suck her tits, get a blow job or even kiss her...why did you marry her?!?"
Casting his fishing line out into the water, Mike grins at his friend and says:
"She shits the best worms!"
Why cant ray charles read?
Because he is black.
---
What is purple with pink polka dots and sits on my porch?
My nigger, I'll paint him what ever colors I want.
---
What's the difference between a Jew and a cake?
The cake doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
---
What's the worst thing about eating bald pussy?
The diaper.
---
What's the difference between a black and a tire?
A tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.
---
What do you call two gay Irishmen?
Patrick Fitz-william and William Fitz-Patrick
---
How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy
---
Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my bum" The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look".
"Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
---
A man walks into a pub and sits down at a table. He notices a leper at the bar. He orders a shot, drinks the shot and then throws up. Next he orders a beer, drinks the beer and then throws up. He does this for several more drinks when finally the leper comes over to his table and asks him, "I'm sorry if my appearance is making you ill." And the man replies, "No, it's not you. It's the man next to you dipping his chips into your neck."
---
Q. where does pauline hanson park her car
A. on a slope
---
Q: What would they have called the Flintstones if they were black?
A: Fucking niggers
---
Do you know how Michael Jackson can tell when it's bedtime
When the big hand is on the little hand.
---
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
One's white, plastic and danderous to young children. The other is a plastic bag.
---
A little girl is playing by the side of the road when a man pulls up in a car. The man leans out and says "Hey little girl, would you like a lolly?"
The girls looks over and says "My mum told me not to take gifts from strangers....but if you give me $20 I'll suck your dicky!!"
---
Why does Pauline Hanson like disprins -
Because they're white and they work.
---
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A. A liquor cabinet.
---
How do you get a woman to scream twice?
fuck her in the ass and wipe your dick on the curtains.
---
Q=What do you call a swimming pool, full of disabled people?
A=Vegetable Soup!!
---
If you had a faggot on your back, would you beat him off?
---
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?". The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch.
"What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your cunt?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know", replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off me an' my watermelon."
---
Woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains. Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week. The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?' to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'. So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?' and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.
---
Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
---
Q : What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
A : Half a dog
---
Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you next month!
---
What do the gerbils say when the homosexuals come into the pet store?
arf,arf,arf,arf, bow wow bow wow etc.
---
what do you call two skunks doing it 69 position?
odor eaters
---
hat do ambulences and fags have in common?
When you stick a stiff in the back of them, they go woo woo
woo!!
---
An old man is sitting in a picture perfect park on a spring day.
It is as beautiful a scene as you can imagine. Flowers blooming, people
strolling on the trails and in the woods, birds flying around, a gentle
breeze, you get the picture. Sweet and serene and lovely. Along comes a
little girl who is walking a dog. She is as cute as the scene I'm trying
to describe, if not cuter. Just made for a postcard in her spring dress
and bonnet. Her dog is absolutely adorable as well. Got it? So the old
man says to the girl as she passes by him, "Little girl, you are so
precious. Pray tell, what is your name?"
"My name is Petal," replies the sweet little girl.
"Oh that is a BEAUTIFUL name," says the man. "How did you get such
a pretty name?"
"Well, when I was born there was a single rose petal on the window
sill above my mother's head. At the moment I came into this world the
petal fell on the bed right next to my mother. She took that as a sign
and named me Petal."
"Oh darling, that is just too pretty. And please tell me about
your adorable little dog. What is his name?"
"His name is Porky," responds the darling dixon.
"Oh that is very nice," claims the old man. "And how did he get
his name?"
The little angel of a girl then tells him, "Because he likes to
FUCK PIGS!"
---
A guy is walking past a bus stop and says to a woman
"Can I smell your cunt?"
"Fuck off, no your can't smell my cunt)!!!
"Oh" he replies, looking slightly confused, "it must be your feet then".
---
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
---
Q. What's the WORST thing about screwing a 5-year-old girl?
A. Hearing she's had better
---
A fag was at his friend's house when the friend pulled out a jar of
vaseline and started rubbing it on his chest. The fag asked why he was
doing that.
"Vaseline makes hair grow." replied his friend. "If I rub it on my
chest, I'll have a hairy chest in no time."
The fag went home, found a jar of vaseline and started to rub some on
his chest, thinking that he'd look good with a hairy chest. All of a
sudden, his boyfriend walked in on him.
"What are you doing?" the boyfriend asked.
"I'm rubbing vaseline on my chest because it promotes hair growth."
replied the fag.
"Ha! You actually believe that?" scoffed his boyfriend. "If that were
true, you'd have the hariest ass in the world!"
---
Why do they call a pap smear, a pap smear?
If they called it a cunt scrape no woman would have one.
---
Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
It's warm, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
---
why didn't superman rescue princess diana from the clutches of death?
because he's in a wheelchair.
---
Q: why is my penis bigger than yours?
A: cause i'm jacking off right now.
---
I'm only including the next one, in it's original form as it was sent to me, because it baffled the piss out of me..
There was this priest who met a nun. He told her to meet him in the
basement at midnight. The nun said ok......at midnight they got together
and started having sex. While they were having sex the priest notice that
the basement door kept opening and closing...everytime he look up he would
see the door close. So.....he told the nun to finger herself and she did.
The priest hid behind a few boxes. The nun started moaning.
Then the door open and the priest jumped out of his hiding place and
...................................caught Jesus masturbating himself......
---
There once was a guy from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
As he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.
---
What's the best thing about screwing a 5 year old girl?
-Having her lick the cum off your dick like a lollipop
What's the worst?
-Have her tell you she's had better
---
One dismal, rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the
shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolls to a
stop at the curb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door.
Checking his rearview mirror as he pulls away, he is startled to see a
wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?", he stammers, taking a long glance into the rearview.
"Union Station," answers the woman.
The woman catches him staring at her and demands, "Just what in the hell
are you looking at, mister?"
"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and without a
purse, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat, smiles
at the driver and says, "Does THIS answer your question?"
Taking another look in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Got anything
smaller?"
---
Q: What do you call a bull Mastaurbating?
A: Beef Sproganoff
---
An airplane pilot comes out of the cockpit and announces to the
passengers that there are some problems with the plane and they will
have to throw some people off so there won't be so much weight on teh
plane. "But we're going to do this fairly," the pilot says. "We'll go in
alphabetical order. Now, are there any African Americans on this plane?"
A few people raise their hands and are thrown off. "Now," says the pilot
"Are there any blacks on this plane?" A few people raise their hands and
are thrown off the plane. " Now, are there any colored's?" A few people
raise there hands and are thrown off the plane. Then a little boy looks
over at his daddy and says " Daddy, ain't we colored?" The dad replies
"Today, son, we's Niggers!"
---
Q. What is the Slimiest thing in the world?
A. Two jelly fish having a fuck in a bucket of snot.
---
Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your grandma does the splits and leaves a hickey on the floor.
---
A nigger walks into a bar, sits down and says to the white guy next to
him, "I'm blacker than hell I've got a pecker named Mel
and I just love fucking white women. The guy takes off. The nigger
feeling quite good about himself turns to the guy on his other
side and says "I'm blacker than hell I've got a pecker named Mel and I
just love fucking white women." The guy takes off too.
Smiling to himself, the nigger spots his next victim. Turns to him and
says, "I'm blacker than hell, I've got a pecker named Mel
and I just love fucking white women." The guy says, "Listen Mel I don't
blame ya'. I wouldn't fuck a nigger either!"
---
Three guys are out crawling in the desert, lost and starving, when they
happen upon a little old farm house. The first man, Mick, goes up and
knocks at the door. The door is answered by a really old woman in a
flanellette nightgown.
Mick says 'Please maam, we are lost and starving and dying of thirst,
can you help us?'
To which the old lady replies, 'only if you will take me upstairs and
give me a damn good seeing to...' The old lady then hoists up her nighty
and shows Mick her snatch which is old and wrinkled and covered in
little yellow pustules.
Mick takes one look and legs it round the side of the house to be sick.
At this point John steps up and asks the old lady for food and drink and
he receives the same reply, the old lady lifts her skirts again and has
a bit of a rub for good measure. Little bits of caked up puss fall to
the floor and John rapidly joins Mick.
The third man, Dave, now steps up and, having seen what happened to the
other two, says, 'I`ll do it, on one condition... You have to keep your
eyes closed at all times.'
The old lady gasps in amazement and says, 'okay, I dried up years ago
and it has been such a long time since I had a man inside me.'
Dave steps inside and lays the woman down on the sofa. He then quickly
dashes into the kitchen and saws the end off a broom with a breadknife.
He runs back to the sofa, closes his eyes and starts thrusting the 8
inches of wood in and out of the old lady. After about five minutes the
old lady gives a little sigh and lays back and Dave pulls out the bit of
wood. It is totally caked with little bits of caked up pus and yellow
gunk. he has to get rid of the evidence so he chucks it out the window.
The old lady gets up and serves dave the best meal he has ever had
whereupon the old lady says 'I bet you`re thirsty now.' Dave nods his
head, his mouth still full of food...
The old lady lies back and says, 'you know what to do!' Dave then again
says, 'OK, close your eyes,' he saws another 8 inches off the broom and
ten minutes later this time the old lady gives a little gurgle and Dave
pulls out the bit of wood, caked in pus again dripping wet juices...
Again it exits rapidly via the window.
The old lady gets up and gives him all the drinks he can possibly handle
after this and then he bids her fairwell.
Leaving the house he bumps into his two mates who are sat there with big
grins on their faces. Dave stops and says, 'I just had the best meal
ever and a load to drink afterwards, all cause I used my head!'
Mick turns round and says, 'Yeah, but you had to screw that dirty old
whore to get it. She must have taken pity on us though, she threw us
both corn-on-the-cob out of the window...'
---
What's warm, bloody and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
---
A guy dies and goes to Hell. The Devil telll him that he has his choice
of three doors in which to spend eternity. "What's behind the first
door?" asks the newly departed. The Devil smiles and opens it up.
Thousands of people are being tortured by fire--screaming and writhing
in pain. "No, I don't think I want that door" says the dead guy. They
come to the second door and the Devil opens it up. Millions of people
are being stabbed and ripped apart with knives and swords and giant
shards of glass--screaming in pain. "No, I don't think I want that door,
either" responds the dead guy. The Devil opens up the third door and
there are Billions of people standing waist-deep in shit chatting and
socializing. The dead guy thinks: "Well, there could be worse ways to
spend eternity." He chooses the third door. The Devil smiles as he
closes the door behind the dead guy. The new arrival is standing in shit
getting to know his neighbors when a voice booms over the intercom:
"ALRIGHT, YOU FUCKERS! BACK ON YOUR HEADS AND START EATING!"
---
What's black and blue and hates sex?
A rape victim!
---
Three pregnant women are sitting chatting and knitting jumpers for the
expected kids.
The first one says "I hope that I have a baby boy, because I'm knitting a
blue jumper."
The second says " Well I hope that I have a girl because I'm knitting a
pink jumper"
The third woman says "I hope my kid is a spastic, because I've fucked the
arms up"
---
whats the difference between george michael and a microwave?
a microwave stops when you open the door.
