FUNNY
SHIT
FUNNY
SHIT
Welcome to my funny shit page. �ALL THESE JOKES ARE SICK, PERVERTED, AND CRUDE. �IF YOU DONT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, GET OUT NOW!!! �All I have to say, is that I didnt review these jokes! �They may not be funny, they may be, I DONT KNOW. �So dont mail me saying that one of them sucks. �But if you like one, then you can go ahead and mail me. �I have nothing else to say, so get to it!
Slogans for Nationial Condom Week :
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Don't be silly, Protect your willy
When in doubt, shroud your spout
Don't be a loner, protect your boner
You can't go wrong if you protect your dong
If you're not going to sackit, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
Especially in december, gift wrap your memeber
Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
The right selection will protect your erection
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
A crank with armor will never harm her
No glove, no love
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
Poopie List
THE GHOST POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie on the toilet paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl.
THE CLEAN POOPIE
The kind where you feel poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the toilet paper.
THE WET POOPIE
You wipe you butt fifty times, and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underware so you don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POOPIE
This poopie happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poopie some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POOPIE
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poopie". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POOPIE
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POOPIE
The kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into small pieces with the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER POOPIE
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POOPIE" POOPIE
The kind where you want to poopie, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is to sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POOPIE
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POOPIE
That's the kind where yellow-ish brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl, and at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POOPIE
A class all it's own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE RITUAL
This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOPIE
This poopie is so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POOPIE
This poopie has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE HONEYMOON'S OVER POOPIE
This is any poopie created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by it's floatability, this poopie has been known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A poopie which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in some rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POOPIE
This appears in the toilet bowl mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POOPIE
Now you see it, now you don't. This poopie is playing games with you. It requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A poopie that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to poopie (ie: during a root canal) or you are nowhere near
poopie-making facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position- usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POOPIE
This poopie occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered- bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's poopie.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOPIE
This poopie may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POOPIE
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you actually can't poopie.
PREMEDITATED POOPIE
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
POOPIEZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooping- can be fatal.
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POOPIE
Also known as a "StillGgoing" poopie.
THE POWER DUMP POOPIE
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER POOPIE
This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poopie.)
THE SPINAL TAP POOPIE
The kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BUTTHOLE" POOPIE
Similiar to the Lincoln Log and the Spinal Tap Poopies. The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POOPIE
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: a) flush and keep going, or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOPIE
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" POOPIE
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiniy splashing sounds as they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HECK DIED IN HERE?" POOPIE
Also sometimes referred to as the Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as people come near.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" POOPIE
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.
Top 10 Blond Inventions
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9)Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
Arkansas State Residency Application
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy-Jefferson
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not
sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
Another Dirty Joke
One day a man was working in his cubical when a
coworker walked in and asked if he wanted to go
out for a few beers after work, so the first
worker said reluctantly, 'No, sorry, my wife wants
me home right after work.'. So the coworker said,
'Well, if you want to go have some fun tonight,
here's what you do:
(he lists them off)
1. Go home after we go to the bar, take off ALL
your clothes.
2. Sneak into bed and gently pull the blanket
over your head, squish down, and give her Oral
Sex, tommorow, she won't remember a thing about you going out for beer.'
So the guy again, reluctanly agrees to his
coworkers plan and he goes out and enjoys himself.
He sneeks in the house, pulls up the blanket over
his head, squishes down, and gives his wife Oral
Sex. She moans and groans with pleasure. Then,
the guy realizes he really has to take a leak, he
jumps out of bed and runs to the bathroom, he
shrieks when he sees his wife sitting on the
toilet, reading the paper, he yells, 'What the
fuck are you doing here????'. She hushes him and
says, 'Shhhhhh!!! You'll wake my mother, I hope
you don't mind if she is sleeping in our bed
tonight.'
Yet Another Dirty Joke
Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island
after a shipwreck. Before long they are all
getting pretty horny so they all make a deal.
Each man will marry the woman for one week at a
time, at which point the next man in line will
marry her and so on. All the men get sex every
five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she
wants with a different man each week. The
situation works wonderfully for five years.
When the woman suddenly dies...
Doctor
Getting prepared for plastic surgery on his male
member his doctor asks,
'I can't help but be curious. What happened to
you. You're a mess.'
'Well, it's like this doc, I live in a trailer
park and my next door neighboris a woman who is
built like a brick shit house. Every night she
takes a wiener out of the fridge puts it in a hole
in the floor and masturbates on it. I was
thinking that this is a real waste of pussy! So I
got the bright idea to get under her trailer,
remove the wiener and replaced it with my dick.
All was going well until someone knocked on her
door and she tried to kick it under the stove!'
The Old Man gets married
One day, a 98 year-old billionaire was getting a physical.
Doctor: "I haven't seen you in a while. How's it going?"
Man: "Wonderful. I'm marrying a 20 year-old tomorrow. I'm here because I want to be sure I can...handle it."
Doctor: "Everything looks fine to me. I've been married a long time, so here's some free advice: Since you're 98 and she's 20, you should get her a 'companion' to help out, just in case your 'batteries' run down before hers. You know what I mean?"
Man: "I like that idea. I'll look into it."
He left and got married the next day. Since he had a wife to worry about now, he came back a year later for a checkup.
Doctor: "So, how's the marriage?"
Man: "Great. In fact, my wife's pregnant."
Doctor: "That's great. So, did you get her that 'companion'?"
Man: "Yup. She's pregnant too."
Midget Huevos
One day a man was takin' a whiz in a public
bathroom,and a midget walked in. Then the midget
set up a ladder. By this time the man was
interested.
When the man looks down he notices the midget
staring at his balls. The midget finally said,'
Excuse me sir, But I really admire your balls, can
I touch em'?'
The man both bewildered and flattered answered,
'why not?'
So the midget reached over and grabbed his balls
and said,' Give me your wallet or I'll jump.'
The Alligator
This guy walks in this bar with this alligator.
It's about 10 feet long.
The bartender flips out and says, 'Hey buddy,
you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here.
It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm
going to get sued.'
The guy says, 'No no no, it's a tame alligator
and I'll prove it to you.'
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the
bar. Then unzips his pants, pulls out his
'package' and sticks it in the alligator's
mouth. (Alligator just keeps his mouth open)
After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the
alligators mouth and zips up his pants.
And says, 'See, I told you it was a tame
alligator. Anybody else want to try it?'
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, 'Yah,
I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold
my mouth open that long'!!
Another Toad Version
This guy went to a pet store and said he wanted to
buy the most exotic pet they had. The owner
showed him Parrots, Fish, etc, and the guy said,
'No, I meant Exotic Exotic'
'OK' said the saleman, follow me... So, they went
into this back room and there on the floor was the
ugliest toad he had ever seen...
'What is this' he asked. 'It is the most exotic
toad you will find' replied the saleman.
'I'll leave the room for a minute and when I come
back, you tell me what you decide.'
So, the saleman leaves, and the toad proceeds to
stick out his tongue and give this guy the best
blow-job he has ever had. The saleman returns and
the customer says, 'I'll take it..no matter what
the cost.'
After he gets the toad home, he sits him on the
kitchen table and starts digging through cook
books and pots and pans.... His wife comes in and
says, 'What are you doing and why is that God
awful toad on the table?'
'Because,' said the husband, 'Once I teach him how
to cook, you're outta here'
Oral Sex and Mafia
What does eating pussy and being in the Mafia have
in common?
One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.
Bank Account
Sex is like a bank account, you put it in, you take it out, you loose interest.
Screamer
How do you make your wife scream during an orgasm?
Wipe your dick on the curtains...
Calcium Joke
How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
Enough to make a bone 8 inches long!
Showing Pictures
What is better than having sex with a sixteen year old?
Showing the pictures to her mother!
The Rubix Cube
What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common
The more you play with it the harder it gets.
If you have a joke that you think is funny, mail it to me here.
Or you can just click on 'one of the fancy graphics just to make this page look good 'to mail me.
