Sin's Funnies Archives
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_____________________________
Top ten reasons
why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than a computer
10. You don't need a password to get in.
9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.
8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.
7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's
love
life.
6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.
5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to
a
drive-in movie. (Do
they still HAVE those?)
4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of
nasty
messages (Note: this
could also hold true for boy/girl- friends
if one happens to be
an English major, but not generally).
3. Computers don't give back-rubs.
2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm
them up.
[Well, you could, but:
1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2)
you wouldn't have the
pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].
1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could,
but it
might be dangerous...]
_________________________
A priest wanted to raise money for his church,
and knowing that there
was a fortune in
horse racing, he decided to purchase one and enter it in
the races. At the
local auction, however, the going price for horses was
so steep that the
priest ended up purchasing a donkey.
The priest figured
that since he had the donkey, he may as well go ahead
and enter it in
the races anyway. The donkey came in third. The next
day the daily racing
form carried the heading, "Priest's Ass Shows."
The priest was so
pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again. This time
the donkey won! The next day the racing form read,
"Priest's Ass Out
In Front."
The Bishop was so
upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
priest not to enter
the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline
read that day, "Bishop
Scratches Priest's Ass."
This was too much
for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of
the animal at once.
The priest decided to give it to the nearby convent.
The headlines that
afternoon read, "Nun Has Best Ass In Town."
The bishop fainted!
He informed the nun that she would have to dispose
of the donkey immediately.
She found a farmer who was willing to buy
the animal for $10.
The next day the newspaper headlines stated, "Nun
Peddles Ass For
Ten Bucks."
They buried the
bishop that day, and on the day following the funeral,
the headlines read,
"Too Much Ass Responsible For Bishop's Death."
_________________________
THE "ARE YOU SEXY?" TEST
1. Do
you have hair on your chest?
If yes add five
points.
If yes but you're
a girl, subtract five points.
2. Do
you wear skin tight jeans?
If yes add one point.
If those skin tight
jeans were loose twenty pounds ago, subtract
three points.
3. Do
you always get kissed after a date?
If yes add three
points.
If kiss is from
your worried mother, subtract two points.
4. Do
you `do the bump' when dancing?
If yes add one point.
If you do the bump
with other people, and the buffet table, etc.,
subtract two points.
5. Do
you send gifts to your girlfriend?
If yes add three
points.
If you send them
COD subtract five points.
6. Do
you show a girl a good time with fancy eating and bright conversation?
If yes, add three
points.
If you show her
what you're eating during the conversation,
subtract four points.
7. Do
owners of fancy restaurants or their maitre d's call you by name?
If yes add two points.
If the name they
call you is cheapskate, tightwad, etc., subtract
two points.
8. Do
you wear weirdly colored underwear?
If yes add five
points.
If that colored
underwear used to be white six months ago,
subtract nine points.
9. Do
women laugh at the things you say?
If yes add five
points.
If women laugh at
what you say mainly when you aske them for a
date, subtract three points.
10. Do
you have a warm handshake?
If yes add two points.
If it's warm because
you've just been scratching your privates,
subtract six points.
SCORING
30-35 : You are sexy, stylish and debonaire...a
dreamboat
20-30 : Be comforted to know that other clods
like you are out there
10-20 : You belong more in the vegetable
than animal kingdom
0-10 : God has punished you for something
you did in a past life
less than 0 : There are many painless ways
to commit suicide. Try one.
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