September 24, 1999
Pat Buchanan gracefully commited the political equivalent to throwing oneself in front of a DC Bus by putting his own book on the shelves yesterday.It criticises U.S. foreign policy since the before World War II, including among its more educated statements the suggestion that Franklin Roosevelt fostered anti-German sentiment before the War, and the implication that the U.S. shouldn't have gotten involved in World War II at all. HELLO. People already accuse him of anti-semitism. Why doesn't he just paint a swastika on his front door and be done with it. Of course, it is delightful to watch gleeful republicans stepping on, over, and through anything and anyone in their big, fat, overfed, overindulged paths to be the first in line to SKEWER him like the pig he is. Except Bush, who didn't take the bait, damn him. Party's on Pat this weekend, my sweetlings. Strangled chickens left on the doormat. I already have a volunteer to make voodoo dolls. There's been some talk of burning a cross in his front yard but that requires SO much effort and the insurance companies justhate it. However, if someone were to take the initiative, *I* certainly wouldn't stop them....
September 9, 1999
Just about every newspaper in the country had something to say about a dreaded 9/9/99 rollover at 12:00 a.m. this morning. In case you're wondering what all the fuss was about (I know I was wondering), apparently "9999" means, to a computer, "end of batch" or "end of job." For those of us who have no clue what that means, like me, it is what you tell your computer when you want it to completely stop whatever it happens to be doing. So, presumably, if a computer interpreted today's date as that red button "9999" code, things could be bad. However, much to the disappointment of the Y2K doomsayers collecting canned food in their bomb shelters, this eagerly anticipated catastrophe was greeted by the planet's computers with a deafening round of indifference. Yes indeedy, nothing happened. Not a goddamn thing. Just as nothing happened on April 9, 1999 (the 99th day of the year), or on July 1, 1999 (the first day of fiscal year (1999/2000), or on August 1, 1999 (the date upon which satellites reposition themselves in anticipation of the next year). But just in case you thought the show for today was cancelled... In a scrambling effort to pull their pants up from around their paranoid little ankles, the same people who warned that the planet's computers would come crashing down like dominoes this morning are still grasping at straws of impending doom, hinting vaguely about some "after-effect" to be felt at some elusive "later time." AND, in spite of the petulant refusal of our global network to roll over and play dead these SAME people STILL won't admit that the only things that will actually be affected by the supposedly apocalyptic Y2K bug will be the Commodore 64 sitting in your attic with the home screen burned into the monitor and the pretty lavender 1985 clock/radio you gave your sister when she went off to college. AND IT GETS BETTER because the albatross our Y2K-proof systems will be placing around Joe and Jane American's necks is going to be the disgusting, public, collective sucking of each other's dicks by CEO's that will commence come 01/01/00 when nothing happens. We'll be sitting around our TV's watching in breathless anticipation, dizzy from too much champagne and the date will turn without a hitch; and then these pricks will be strutting around fawning and drooling over each other for weeks because they were "so well prepared." A person could even be led to believe that these assholes stood at thehelm of the global network and beat it into submission through the mighty force of their omnipotent cocks. In all likelihood, New Year's Day 2000 is going to be the largest and most embarrassing case of blue-balling to which the first world has ever been subjected, as it resolves in a thunderous anti-climax of everything humming along perfectly normally. And as for me, I'll be laughing my ass off all the way to the ATM.
July 30, 1999
Splashed all over the front pages over our country's newspapers this morning is the rather ugly face of Mark A. Barton, 44 years old. Let me make sure I'm perfectly clear on this one. This guy takes out his first wife and mom-in-law and gets away with it because they never found the murder weapon. Six years later he loses some cash, so he (surprise!) murders his current wife and kids, gets a couple of big powerful guns and goes out to paint the town. HELLO. Let us bow our heads and have a moment of silence for the fleeting integrity of the American Justice System as it blows its corporate wad all over the kitchen floor while gleefully inserting its last remaining finger into the disposal. Allow me to say that if anyone needs more proof that you can get away with ANYTHING in this country if you're the right guy in the right place at the right time (and inversely, get tagged for anything if you're the wrong guy in the wrong place at the right time) here it is, my darlings. Because this slimy, deranged f*ck wears a suit to work every day, he can get a well-founded murder charge dropped on a mere technicality and live to fight another day. If anyone doubts this, I suggest that they give O.J. Simpson a call and ask him how it feels to limbo underneath the bar of reasonable doubt.
And in next week's news: in light of the recent shootings (a phrase now so often used in the press that most writers, including me, have a macro for it on their word processors) Congress passed a bill allowing the Ten Commandments to be posted in Day Trading Offices, and announced that had Mr. Barton only gone to church every Sunday, he never would have killed anyone. Dontcha just love it when Congress cuts off its limp little dick to spite its own ass? Pardon me while I go fart on your toothbrushes, you blindingly microcosmic idiots.
July 12,1999
Just
when you thought it was safe to leave your house... The House just
narrowly [9 votes] missed passing a "non-binding" bill that
would have state and local leaders calling upon their citizens to
enjoy a National Day of "prayer, fasting and humiliation before
God." Exact wording. No shit. 9 votes. Humiliation, indeed. Like
I'm not humiliated enough on a daily basis by the DMV, my bank, my
job, my pet and that OBNOXIOUS traffic signal on Lawyers Road and 123
that I NEVER MAKE.
WHAT ARE YOU ALL SITTING AROUND FOR???? Write a letter to your senator. Include some toenail clippings with an instruction sheet on where he or she might place them in order to best "enjoy" them. We are paying WAY too much rent for this planet. I'm gonna go check the classifieds and see what the going rate is for a nice little moon in the Andromeda galaxy. Something intimate but not cramped, nice part of the universe, free parking, shops, with a lovely view of the Milky Way from the east balcony.
June 19, 1999
Reason
#128,455 demonstrating that Republicans [still] have their heads in
the sand:
Yesterday the House passed an amendment allowing the Ten Commandments to be displayed in public school classrooms (score another one for the Columbine shootings), in spite of the fact that the Supreme Court ruled a against a similar effort 18 years ago as unconstitutional. I can just hear those kids:
"Hey, dude. Let's go shoot up the school, man."
"We can't, dude. Didn't you read the sign?"
To rub salt into the wound, the House also passed a measure promoting prayer in public schools. And of course, new life is infused into a bill requiring Parental Advisory warnings on movies, CD's, video games, porn magazines, comic books, newspapers, titty bars, dildos, KY Jelly, cigarettes, alcohol, Mountain Dew bottles, Sudafed, silly string, toilet paper, spray deodorant, laptops, modems, telephones, scissors, sporks, sand shovels, Lady Bics, red paint, panty hose, black paint, offensive bumper stickers, leather jackets, bathing suits, combat boots, gold chains, belly-button rings, acrylic fingernails, crash helmets, footballs, baseball bats, golf clubs, soccer cleats, hockey clubs, basketball shoes, screwdrivers, ice picks, skateboards, roller blades, mopeds, dart boards, plastic light sabers, super soakers, chairs that spin, and black trenchcoats--because they promote criminal tendencies and behavior (note--they did not suggest putting such labels on guns). Hey guys--what happened to balancing the budget? Oop--my mistake. It's an election year.
June 14, 1999
My belief in a higher power has been temporarily reinstated due to the fact that the IRS rejected the Christian Coalition's ten-year crusade to win tax-exempt status. It's about damn time someone noticed that organized religious groups are NOT inherently non-profit organizations. AS IF. I can't believe those church-burning assholes have such an overblown sense of entitlement that they feel they shouldn't have to pay taxes. Scuse me while I go puke on your rosary, you deluded little f*cks. Go pray for a hard-on.