Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor parish.
He asked for a suggestion as to how he could raise
money for the church, and he was told that horse
owners always have money. So he went to a horse
auction and bid on a horse, but made a very poor
buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he decided that he might as well enter the
donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and
the next morning the headline in the paper read
"Father Murphy's Ass Shows." The archbishop was
greatly displeased.The next day the donkey came in
first and the headline read "Father Murphy's Ass
Out In Front." The archbishop was up in arms. The
following day the donkey came in second and the
headline read "Father Murphy's Ass Back In Place."
The archbishop thought this too much, so he forbid
the priest from entering the next day's race. The
headline then read "Archbishop Scratches Father
Murphy's Ass." When the archbishop read this he
ordered Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey, so
Father Murphy gave the donkey to Sister Agatha as
a pet. The headline the next morning read "Father
Murphy Gives His Ass To The Sisters." When the
archbishop read this he ordered the Sisters to
dispose of the donkey at once. Sister Agatha went
out and sold the donkey for $10.00. The next day
the headline read "Sister Agatha Peddles Her Ass
For Ten Dollars."They buried the archbishop three
days later.
Subject: Old Age
Bites
(You younger people will
> understand
> > > one day)
> > >
> > > I have found at my age going
bra-less
> > > pulls
> > > all the wrinkles out of my face.
> > >
> > > You're getting old when you don't
care
> > > where
> > > your spouse goes, just as long
> > > as you don't have to go along.
> > >
> > > Statistics show that at the age of
seventy,
> > > there are five women to every
> > > man. Isn't that an ironic time for
> > > a guy to get those odds?
> > >
> > > Middle age is when it takes longer
> > > to rest than to get tired.
> > >
> > > By the time a man is wise enough to
watch
> > > his step, his eyes are so bad he can’t see his feet.
> > >
> > > Middle age is when you have stopped growing
> > > at both ends, and have begun to
> > > Grow in the middle.
> > >
> > > Someone has described heaven as a family
> > > reunion that never ends. What
> > > Could hell possibly be like?
> > > Home videos of the same reunion?
> > >
> > > A man has reached middle age when he
> > > is cautioned to slow down by his
> > > Doctor instead of by the police.
> > >
> > > Middle age is having a choice of two
> > > temptations and choosing the one that
> > > Will get you home earlier.
> > >
> > > You know you're into middle age
when
> > > you realize that caution is the only
> > > Thing you care to exercise.
> > >
> > > At my age, "getting a little
action"
> > > means I don't need to take a laxative.
> > >
> > > Don't worry about avoiding
temptation.
> > > As you grow older, it will avoid you.
> > >
> > > The aging process could be slowed down
> > > if it had to work its way through
> > > Congress.
> > >
> > > You're getting old when
"getting lucky"
> > > means you find your car in the
> > > Parking lot.
> > > You're getting old when your wife gives up
> > > sex for Lent, and you don't know
> > > Till the 4th of July.
> > >
> > > You're getting old when you wake up with
> > > that morning-after feeling, and
> > > You didn't do anything the night before.
> > >
> >
>
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic weekend
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm
them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back
and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and that
will
warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out
one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he
again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud,...
don't your *ears* ever get cold?!?!?"
Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is
watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back
on and began searching more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear
as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just
trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid
people would name a
parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people
that would
name a Rotweiller, Jesus!"
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few
things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking
nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went
to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made
you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son,
who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I
can
do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye
mother!'
it would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he
called out, "Good bye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total
was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a
few
things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
What Your Computer Is Trying To Tell You
It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."
It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting
error no.
1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be
told that it's a
hardware problem."
It says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
c:\windows\system where
you'll NEVER find them."
It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."
It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit
below 640K."
It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..."
It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."
It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."
It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or
Close."
It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your
work back."
A Hi-Tech Prayer
As I boot up my PC,
my modem dailing next to me,
I ask the Lord, give me a sign....
Will I ever get on-line?????
If you'd kindly let me through,
I'll byte no more than I can chew.
I'll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.
And through each window I will see
the websites that are offered me.
Resisting any chat room's lure,
I'll download only what is pure.
If system errors don't prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.
If you save me from a crash,
I'll dump my games into the trash.
Just please don't take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord, God Bless.com
"Look at ME!!" boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and
firm
stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young
people.
"Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don't smoke, I
don't drink, I
don't stay up late, and I don't chase after loose women!!"
He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, "And tomorrow,
YAHOO, I'm
going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!"
"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers, "How?"
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got
a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and
sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a
seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar
and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young
lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man
joined the lady and they went to her apartment,
where they got it on. ("The Horizontal Disco")
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was
developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home
doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked
the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman
was and where she lived.
"Sure, why?"
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
You Know You're a Mom When...
10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently
sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children
are
at school!
7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming
outside the door.
6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with
applesauce.
5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away,
not to mention what Bambi does to you.
4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language.
3. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101
Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to
have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the
ones you
pushed up on your head?"
1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying
some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that
you've
reached over and started to cut up his steak!
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gyneologist looks up
your
family bush.
DEAF OLD MAN AT THE DOCTOR
A partially deaf man goes into the doctor's office for a physical and
complains about some pains.
the doctor says, "I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a
semen
sample."
The guy looks at his wife and yells, "What did he say?"
His wife replies, "He said you need to bring in a pair of your
underwear!"
Some Actual Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
are on
fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the
dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're
looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet --
miss a
car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you
coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the
2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in
your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come
in and
get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can
eat any place they want."
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet,
so
why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what
they're
planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go
to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear
all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to
screw; she'll
screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt
and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the
door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their
older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
On his way out of church, Hilliard stopped at the door to speak to
the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a
person to profit
from the mistakes of another?"
"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.
"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd
consider
returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last
July."
This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat. His
wife said "Where are you going ?"
He said "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new
Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and
he said "Where are you going?"
She said "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again,
I'm going to get a tetanus shot".
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
1. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
2. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for
future reference.
4. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as
informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going
to
tell you".
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending
half of your paycheck on accessories for it.
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that
said, "Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the
world
worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch
just
like a woman. Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and
began to cry, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow
that
has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000. And here I am, with
you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears
a faint
"help me, help me".
She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path.
Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a
log.
The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.
"Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me
home and put
me on your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."
So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and
there in the morning is a handsome prince.
You don't believe that?
Neither did her mother!
Chop Chop!!!~~~
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own
business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and
--WHACK!!-- he knocks him off the bar stool and says,
"That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the
stool and starts
drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him
down
AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for
an
hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude
off
his stool and out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and
says,
"When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:
(Food for
thought as you tear into that box of chocolates you got on
Valentine's
Day)
10. When
you have chocolate it does not keep you neighbors awake.
9. You are
never too young or too old for chocolate.
8. Good
chocolate is not hard to find.
7. With
chocolate there's no need to fake it.
6. You can
ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
slapped.
5. You can
have chocolate on top of your desk during office hours
without
upsetting your co-workers.
4. The word
"commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
3. You can
make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
2. You can
safely have chocolate while you are driving.
1. You can
GET chocolate.
THE RECIPE FOR LOVE CAKE
Ingredients:
2 Luscious lips
2 Well shaped legs
2 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur Lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana
Directions:
1. Taste the luscious lips
2. Spread well shaped legs with loving arms
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing
bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk containers).
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably not over night)
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Note: 1. If in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town!
I'm a Senior Citizen:
* I'm the life of the party...even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
* I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
* I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
* I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
* I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
* I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
* I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
* I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
* I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
* I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
* I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
* I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
* I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
* I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
* I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh....
* I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
* I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
* I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
* I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
* I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
* I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
* I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
* I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
* I'm a walking storeroom of facts...I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
* I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't
I???
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds
out about it right away.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
My attention isn't hard to get. It IS hard to keep
An elderly Rabbi is walking down the street one day when he notices
a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across
the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell
is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the Rabbi
moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and
gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the Rabbi smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"