Jafa's Jokes !!!!!!
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their 3 lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My partner loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My partner was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My partner was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Boat For Sale

Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says, 'Boat For Sale', but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your ol' John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell. Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs? Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little. Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble. Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay? Guy: Well, no I'm not. Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...
The Lotto Ticket
A guy named Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray........... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue..................... "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue.................. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A FUCKING TICKET!!!"
Terrible Humor

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out"!

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy, and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in!"

Once there was a man that survived a terrible Plane crash and was lost in a forest...... He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days and survived on berries and twigs. He was much to slow to catch any kind of animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts when he was young. After two week of wondering he found a thin but three story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation he knocked on the door. A little Man answered the door. He had a long white beard that hung almost to the floor. "Please I need some food and Shelter." Said the young man. "This I will give you but you must promise not to fool with my lovely daughter." the old man said. "Thank you and I wouldn't think of messing with your daughter." "For if you do I will inflict the three most gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised." The man to weak agreed not thinking that any woman could arouse him in his weak state. After a shower and some sleep the man came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up and the man sat to eat. The old man's daughter entered the room and to great surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal. Later that night the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him. When he opened the door he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise she ushered him in. Well being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't surpress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (Wow) the man crept to his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he just had done. He fell asleep thinking of her. He got up and felt an enormous pain on his chest. It was a rock with a sign on it. It said: 1st Chinese torture, 100 pound rock on chest! Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second sign just outside the window it said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle tied to 100 pound rock! The man with out hesitation jumped out the window knowing a 3 story drop would be far better than what was in store for him. As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd Chinese torture, Right testicle tied to bed post!

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This Page Was Updated On November 23rd