Cannonball Express leaving Petticoat Junction enroute to Beatty Beach
My Joke PageThe Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. BOOM! he hits it in the cup. He's shocked and he says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog? the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." the guy takes out a 3 wood and BOOM! Hole in one.
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed his best game in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Las Vegas." they go to Lax Vegas and the guy says. "OK frog now what?" the frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette" Upon approching the roulette table, the man asks, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000 Black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. BOOM! It hits black six and tons of cash comes sliding across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful. The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me" He figures what the heck, so with a kiss the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
A HELPING HAND
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies,
"Now we run like hell!"
OLD MAN AND HIS WIFE
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace. Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK !, hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks.When he finally caught breath he gasped and asked, What'd you do that fer? That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, " What was that for That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."
ICE FISHING
A blonde wanted to go ice-fishing. She ' d seen many books on the subject,
and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the
nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy foot-stool, she started
to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly.....from the sky.....a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the
voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!" The blonde, now quite
worried, moved
way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool and tried again
to cut
her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!"
She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Who are you.........
God?"
The voice replied, "NO, STUPID, I
OWN THE DAMM ICE-RINK!"
BLIND MAN
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on
their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide
to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the
nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who
is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice
from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug,
and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,
they open the door. "Nice body," says the man, "where do
you want these blinds?"
WORLDS COMING TO END
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the world in 3 days. They were allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. "The good news is there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days. Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. First there "is" a God. the second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days. Bill Gates went back and told his staff, " I have good news and more good news. First .....God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second....you don't have to fix the bugs in windows 98.
CONFESSION
A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for
I have
sinned..."
The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?"
"Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend."
"Oh is that all? Say five Hail Mary's and may the Lord be with you."
The man replies, "but I really need to talk about it."
"Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the
hard
wooden bench. You see Father, "I was playing golf this weekend and
on the first tee,
I was lining up my drive and hit a horrendous slice
into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the
Father queried.
"No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear
shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel
scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and
darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?"
"No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree,
a
bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons.
The
bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel
dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!"
"And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly.
"No, no.." The Father interjected, "Don't tell me you missed
the f-ing putt!"
THE LANDING
After a long day, a pilot called into the airport to inform them that the plane was going to land. The Airport tower told the pilot that he was clear to land. The pilot made the preperations to land, but, just before he hit asphault, he yanked up on the steering wheel and the plane ascended into the sky again. The pilot once again called the airport tower. "I can't land on that runway, it's far too short!" He exclaimed. The airport tower disagreed with him and told him that the runway is plenty long for him to land on. "Okay", said the pilot to the Co-pilot,"As soon as we hit asphault,you hit the brakes, and I'll hit the reverse engines so we can stop in time." The Co-pilot agreed to do so. The plane touched down and they hit the reverse engines and the brakes. The plane came to a stop. "Jeez, this is the shortest runway I have ever seen!" Said the Co-pilot. "Yeah, but look how wide it is." Said the pilot.
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