You Know You're a Redneck if.........

Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take
the wheels off.

You've ever used lard in bed.

You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.

There is a stuffed possum mounted any where in your home.

You consider a six pack of beer and a bug zapper quality
entertainment.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State trooper to "kiss my A**".

The primary color of your car is "Primer Red".

Directions to your house include: "turn off the paved road".

You honestly believe women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.

Your family tree does not fork.

Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've ever hollered: "Rock the house Bubba" during a piano
recital.

Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event.

You've ever barbecued SPAM on the grill.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey and
the Bandit was snubbed for best motion picture.

The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.

You prominently display a gift in your house that you bought at
Graceland.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

Your mother keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most common phrase you hear at a family reunion is: "What
are you looking at s***head.

You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.

You think Campho-phenique is a miracle drug.

You have more than two brothers named Bubba and Junior.

You father encourages you to quit school when Larry announces an
opening on the lube rack.

You think Volvo is a part of the female anatomy.

You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of
all time.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You had a toothpick in your mouth when you had your wedding
picture taken.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a "Hefty bag" for a passenger side window on your car.

Your house doesn't have any curtains- but your truck does.

Your front porch collapses and kill more than three dogs.

You consider your license plate "personalized" because your
father made it.

After making love, you have to ask your date to roll down the
window.

You have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnnie Cash over your
fireplace.

You still have an 8-track tape player in your car or house.

Your idea of safe sex doesn't include anyone else.

You have ever bar-bee-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.

You liked the velvet picture of Elvis that someone in a van sold
you beside the highway better than anything you saw at an art
show or museum.

You own more than three shirts with cut-off sleeves.

You have ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging
out of the door making sparks.

You have ever spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.

Someone asks to see your ID, and you show them your belt buckle.

Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels is on your list of most admired people.

You see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty
milk jug in the car.

Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

You have ever had to scratch your sister or girlfriend's name
out of the message "For a good time, call _______."

Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card.

You bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.

Your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the
same grade.

You view the next family reunion as a great chance to meet a
woman.

Your wife has a beer gut, and you think it's attractive.

You have ever signed a petition to have the national anthem
changed to "Free Bird."

You call your boss "Dude."

You have ever been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.

You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a
freebie at the "House of Tattoos."

You get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.

You look like Willie Nelson after you get your hair cut.

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

You've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.

You have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.

You think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.

You wear a belt buckle that weighs more than three pounds.

You've ever been to a funeral or wedding where there were more
pickup trucks than cars.

Your all-time favorite movie is "Cannonball Run."

You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."

Your girlfriend thinks the way you pick your nose is cute.

You wish your house looked like the one on the beginning of
"Beverly Hillbillies" or "Green Acres."

Your favorite actors are Gomer Pile, Goober, and Barney Fife.

Your pet parrot knows how to whistle the song to "the Andy
Griffith Show."

You have a gun rack on your bicycle.

You're idea of a lawn ornament is a Chevy or a Buick.

Going to the bathroom late at night involves putting on your
shoes and a flashlight.


40 Things You Would Never Hear A Redneck Say..... 
40. We're not going to drink at Beatty Beach.

39. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
     
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
      
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
      
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
     
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
     
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
    
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
    
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
     
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
    
30. Wrasslin's fake.
      
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
      
28. We're vegetarians.
     
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
      
26. I'll have grapefruit and cottage cheese instead of biscuits 
    and gravy.

25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
     
24. Who is this Richard Petty fellow?
    
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
      
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
      
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
      
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today. 
     
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
    
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
      
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
     
16. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
      
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
      
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
     
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
      
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
      
11. I've got two cases of Core's Light for the Super Bowl.
      
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
      
 9. Checkmate.
     
 8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
      
 7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
     
 6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
     
 5. I don't have a favorite college team.
      
 4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
     
 3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
      
 2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
      
 1. Elvis who?