Vol. 12 No. 88 Washday, Darn 3, 2997 Sample Edition
Hushpuppy. The bodies of two black males were discovered yesterday on the outskirts of Hushpuppy. The sock puppets, as yet unidentified, were brutally crushed to death, possibly by an Oster non-stick steam iron. Police Lieutenant Knucklehead reported, "Right now we have no suspects. Evidently, the iron that was used was self-cleaning which will make our investigation more difficult." The bodies were discovered by Koko, a lint farmer, who was See MURDER, Page 3A
Capital City. A police raid on a massage parlor known as Threadbare's resulted in the arrests of three male and seven female hand puppets. The unidentified males were charged with indecent exposure and soliciting touchy-feely acts. One naked patron, who was discovered in a compromising position with pantyhose twins, said, "A puppet has urges. I did nothing wrong. Why can't we See SCANDAL, Page 8A
Television personality Bert died late last night in what some call the strangest accident they've ever seen. While performing in A Streetcar Named Desire at a local supper club, the aging actor slipped and fell head first into a paper shredder. Still clinging to a thread of life, the former host of Goodmorning, Argyle was then attacked by a pack of wild dogs. "He still might have made it," said longtime partner Ernie, "but he stumbled into that vat of acid and it was all over." Witnesses claim that Ernie had been seen earlier See OBITUARIES
Biff Lancer Editorial
What's with this new generation of hand puppets? Why have they shunned the fine traditions of the past and embraced the asinine posturing of carnival geeks? Kids today! What are you going to do? The other day I noticed a group of crew sock puppets hanging around the toy store. They stunk! These kooks must not have known what a washing machine is because they smelled like turtle kaka. One of them had bleach spots all over his body and another was shamelessly covered in holes. Ever hear of darning needles, Bean-head! All of them were peppered with cheap brand name tattoos. Nike, Reebok, BK. It was disgusting! It's hard to believe that they were ever innocent finger puppets.
So what do we do about this travisty? Puppets everywhere should pull their hands out of their asses and demand that these degenerates clean up their act. We should hold them down and wash them, sew-up their holes, unravel their tattoos, and dye them all a decent shade of beige.
Hi! I'm Susie.