1. Women love to shop.
It is the one area of the world where they feel like
they're actually
in control.
2. Women especially love a
bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so
don't bother
pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything
to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in
the closet;
you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry.
And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear
them.
5. Women will always ask questions
that have no right answer, in an effort to
trap you into
feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk.
Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill
it, even if
they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like
there are people worse off than they are. That's why
soap operas
and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as
often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for
men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man
*wants* to have
sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs.
Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's
a spider or
a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets.
They eat away at them from the inside. And they
don't view it
as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three
people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms
in groups. It gives them a chance to
gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer
a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It
might be the
lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men
love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't
need toys if
women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos
and two different conditioners in the
shower.
After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal
of sports. Men seek entertainment that
allows them
to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them
of how horrible
things *could* be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day
trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and
will wear some
things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack
21 outfits because
she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream
cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about
how she'll be
in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing
is the man's responsibility, "It's
there in the
Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms.
They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
Men just get
a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items
in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be
able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say
they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three
hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go
shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone,
read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of
their way to avoid the possibility of getting
lost using a
shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men
during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep
afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible
Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means
that.
PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely
different meaning in woman-language than it
does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without
turning the map to correspond to the
direction that
they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by
definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always
have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they
really have
5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day
and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start
up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but
you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into
the draft to
cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women
seek equality
with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the
trash, and picking
up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
43. If a man ticks off a woman she
will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet
cover which
warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up
thus it constantly
gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more
trouble)
44. Women never check to see if
the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a
flying butt
leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they
"left the seat
up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding
tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
46. Women don't really care about
a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to
the contrary.
You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried,
do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance
with each other and not be gay, You don't see
straight men
dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing
up to go out, and then they'll go out and
spend more time
checking out other women. Men can never catch women
checking out
other men; women will always catch men checking out other
women.
50. The most embarrissing thing
for women is to find another woman wearing the
same dress at
a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's
another man
wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"