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December 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the
postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift.
I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your
very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at
your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant
one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three french hens.
They are just darling but I must
insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four
calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think
enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman
delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible,
but I love it. Frankly, John, all
those squawking birds were beginning
to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were
actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking
birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of goddam joke is this? There's
bird shit all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I'm a nervous
wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with
those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What
the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their own
goddam cows. There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't move into my own
house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist?
Now there's nine pipers playing. And
Christ - do they play. They never
stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. The cows
are upset are stepping all over those
screeching birds. No wonder they
screeh. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petetion
to evict me. You'll get yours.
>From Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing
- I don't know why I call those sluts ladies.
They've been balling those nine
pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit. The
commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed
me to give cause why the building
shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking
the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
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December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping
on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads
will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been
commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of
the birds are dead. They have been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest
gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which
you have seen fit to inflict on
our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total.
All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt
to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With
this letter, please find attached
a warrant for your arrest.