You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman
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The best way to get most husbands
to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft
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- Any husband who says. "My wife
and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm
or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby
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- Keep your eyes wide open before
marriage, half shut afterwards
--Benjamin Franklin
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- My wife dresses to kill. She cooks
the same way.
-- Henny Youngman
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- My wife and I were happy for twenty
years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her
husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle
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- I was married by a judge. I should
have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns
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- What's the difference between
a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
--Cindy Garner
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When women are depressed, they either
eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different
way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler
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- I bought my wife a new car. She
called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's
the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman
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- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and
fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
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- My mother buried three husbands
and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner
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- The secret of a happy marriage
remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman
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- People are always asking couples
whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their
secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck
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- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
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- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
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- A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
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- I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
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- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two more girlfriends.
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- A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
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- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
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- How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
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- A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
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- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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- Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful!!!