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Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through its pecker.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.

What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.

What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.

What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.

How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell!

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.

How does a man drunk save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

When does a man open the door of the car for his wife?
A.When he has a new car.
B.When he has a new wife.

Why is a man just like a dog?
A.Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaning.
B.Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
C.Both are suspicious of the postman.

What do men call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A bar of chocolate.

How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.

How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.

What does a man notice most when he's with his girlfriend?
Every other woman around.

What's the only way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.

What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.

What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.

Why do men do odd jobs around the house?
If they do anything around the house, it's odd!

How do you know a boy has grown up to be a man?
1. You don't 'cause he never will.
2. He buys more expensive toys.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.
That's why he dates someone half his age.

I really didn't want to marry him for the money,
but I couldn't find any other way to get it.

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between a typical man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them.

Why do men prefer showers to baths?
Peeing in the tub is disgusting.

What are a married man's two greatest assets?
A closed mouth and an open wallet.

What's the best way to keep a man happy in bed?
Move the TV into the bedroom.

What is the difference between a wife and a girl friend?
Forty-five pounds.

Why do men wear pants?
A: Did you ever see how bad they look in mini-skirts?

What's the most useful part of a man?
A wallet.

What's the similarity between a woman and a hurricane?
They're both wet and wild when they come,
and they both take the furniture and house when they leave!

What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
Come in eight flavors.

What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?
Men will spend hours looking for a golf ball.

Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.

Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Losing a husband can be hard.
In my case, it was damned near impossible.

What is 6" long, has a head on it and drives women crazy?
Money.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Describe the ideal man.
The ideal man has a tongue 18 inches long and can breathe through his ears.

When is it ok for a guy not to know the proper spelling of 'clitoris'?
When he has it on the tip of his tounge.

When a newly married woman looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married woman looks happy, we wonder why.

Why are windows male?
Because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.

Why is shopping better than men?
If you don't like it, you can take it back!

Why do woman rub there eyes in the morning?
Because they dont have balls.

What's the difference between an average man and a doctor?
The doctor is polite when asking you to undress.
The doctor listens when you complain,
and the doctor washes his hands before touching you.

What's the difference between women and men?
One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

Girls, when you date, always have the mother's quaint old sayings in mind:
"Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!"

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We dont know. It's never happened.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him.
Then tell him to pick only one.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

What's the definition of a man?
A life support system for a penis.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature.
And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with.

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you dont have to do their laundry!

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need .

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.

When you see what some girls marry,
you realise how much they must hate to work for a living.

If your man keeps looking at you in a restaurant,
don't turn around unless you want your evening ruined.
She is probably both younger and prettier.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no,
you're just practising.

There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men.
strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong -
but you could still use them.

Why do men want only one thing?
Because they've taken everything else.

How do you get a man to keep his hands off you?
Marry him.

How do you get a husband to love you and no one else?
Become his secretary.

What does a man call a woman who screws every guy in town?
"Darling!"

What's the difference between pink and purple?
Her grip.
What do you do when you best friend runs away with you husband?
Send her a thank you card.

A woman's love is a man's privilege, not his right.

I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women,
but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

Men are like bras.
they offer light, medium and complete support.

Men are like buses.
they come every 15 minutes.

Men are like fires.
They go out if unattended!

Men are like teeth.
You ignore them - you lose them.

Men are only good for one thing...two,
if they're good at it.

Men are the reason that women hate one another.

Men bond by giving criticism, women bond by giving support.

Men come in three sizes:
small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!

Men give love to get sex,
Women give sex to get love.

Men have a joystick whereas women just have a game port.

Men invented computers to drive women crazier!

Men of quality respect women's equality.

How is a condom and a woman alike?
They both spend more time in a man's wallet than on his penis.

What do you call a caring, considerate and gifted man?
A Myth.

Why do women date jerks?
Because all the sweet caring ones were hunted to extinction.

Never get involved with a married man.
You already know he is a liar and a cheat.

Men are like Horoscopes.
You cant trust either one!

Behind every successful man,
there is a woman ironing his shirts.

 
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