Lonely? Looking for your ideal partner? Here are some tips on what to expect.
First the women:
40-ish = 48
Adventurer = Has had more partners
than you ever will
Athletic = Flat-chested
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Bring your penicillin
Educated = College dropout
Emotionally Secure = Medicated
Feminist = Fat; ball buster
Free spirit = Substance user
Friendship first = Trying to live
down reputation as slut
Fun = Annoying
Gentle = Comatose
Good Listener = Borderline Autistic
New-Age = All body hair, all the
time
Old-fashioned = Lights out, missionary
position only
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud
Passionate = Loud
Poet = Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional = Real Witch
Redhead = Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque = Grossly Fat
Romantic = Looks better by candle
light
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Weight proportional to height =
Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate = One step away
from stalking
Widow = Nagged first husband to
death
Young at heart = Toothless crone
The male's description:
40-ish = 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic = Sits on the couch and
watches ESPN
Average looking = Unusual hair
growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated = Will always treat you
like an idiot
Free Spirit = Sleeps with your
sister
Friendship first = As long as friendship
involves nudity
Fun = Good with a remote and a
six pack
Good looking = Arrogant
Honest = Pathological Liar
Huggable = Overweight, more body
hair than a bear
Like to cuddle = Insecure, overly
dependent
Mature = Until you get to know
him
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with
your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit = I spend a lot
of time in front of mirror admiring myself
Poet = Has written on a bathroom
stall
Spiritual = Once went to church
with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable = Occasional stalker, but
never arrested
Thoughtful = Says "Please" when
demanding a beer