1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is
prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if
I died?"
What makes these questions so bad
is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or
divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say
dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to
this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if
I've been pensive, dear.
I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are
and what a lucky guy I am to have
met you." Obviously, this statement
bears no resemblance whatsoever
to what the guy was really thinking at
the time, which was most likely
one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are
d - How much prettier
she is than you
e - How he would spend
the insurance money if you died
According to the Sassy article,
the best answer to this stupid
question came from Al Bundy, of
Married With Children, who was asked
it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted
you to know," Al said, "I'd be
talking instead of thinking."
The other questions
also have only one right answer but many wrong
answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question
is, "Yes." For those guys who
feel the need to be more elaborate,
you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong
answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make
you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on
what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response
to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course
not" and then quickly leave the
room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call
you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra
weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat
the question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by
you were staring at so hard that
you almost caused a traffic accident
or an actress in a movie you just
saw. In any case, the correct
response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty
in a different way.
b - I don't know how one
goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have
a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that
she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the
question? I was thinking about your
insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer:
"Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have
meaning for me and I would perforce
hurl myself under the front tires
of the first Domino's Pizza truck
that came my way." This might
be the stupidest question of the lot,
as is illustrated by the following
stupid exchange:
"Dear," said the wife.
"What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would
be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?"
persevered the wife.
"No, of course not,
dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being
married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear"
he said.
"Then why wouldn't
you remarry?"
"Alright," said the
husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said
the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with
her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose
I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the
wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my
old clothes?
"I suppose, if she
wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the
wife icily. "And would you take down the
pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that
would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said
the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose
you'd
let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear,"
said the husband. "She's left-handed..."