Redneck
Rule Book
PERSONAL HYGIENE
While ears need to
be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using
one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for
several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good
money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DINING OUT
When decanting wine,
make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise"
the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold
it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR
HOME
A centerpiece for
the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow
the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good its manners are.
DATING (Outside The
Family)
Always offer to bait
your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her
know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with
her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility
to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should
be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
Livestock is usually
a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with
a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights
for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in
sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and
duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle,
especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral
procession.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take beer to
a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at
them. It's bad form to take a cooler to church. If you have to vacuum the
bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to
the funeral home