How to score points with your wife / girlfriend.
 

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "make the woman Happy". Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!

Here's a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)

When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next
bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her Spring-Fresh Extra-Light Panty Liners with Wings
(+5)

but return with beer (-5)

You check out suspicious noise at night (0) and it's nothing (0)
and it's something (+5)

you pummel it with a six iron (+10)

it's her father (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with
a college drinking buddy (-2)

named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

Tiffany has implants (-8)

When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1)

When mingling, you introduce her as "the old ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump (-5)

When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks
you if you think she's attractive, you say "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)

you say "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed" (-6)

that woman is her sister (-90)

You have one drink and that's it (0)

You have more than a few drinks and perform the tango with a
poodle (-2)

You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted (-18)

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

You go to the mall together (+3)

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car (+4)

You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a
sports bar (-2)

You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)

You spend the day shopping for furniture and nap on a sectional (0)

You spend the day at a wholesale club buying in bulk (+3)

most of it chips and beer (-6)

You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)

or refinishing the floors (+16)

or rewiring the basement (+17)

or adding a second floor (+18)

or setting up a Basket Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket (-6)

and you're tickled pink about it (-15)

You visit her parents (0)

You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)

You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the TV (-3)

and the TV is off (-6)

You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear (-6)

and it's not your underwear (-15)

HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a pub (+1)

okay, it is a pub (-2)

and it's "all-you-can-eat" night (-3)

and your face is painted the colours of your favourite football team
(-10)

You go to a nice expensive restaurant, hire a guitar player, and get
up and sing (+4)

if you stink (+2)

if you're not half bad (+5)

if you sing a Barry Manilow song and are escorted out to much
applause (-2)

You give her a gift (0)

it's a small kitchen appliance (-10)

it's not a small kitchen appliance (+1)

it's not chocolate (+2)

it's something you'll be paying off for months (+30)

You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)

with her credit card (-30)

and it's two sizes too big (-40)

THOUGHTFULNESS

You forget her birthday completely (-120)

You forget your anniversary (-30)

You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-45)

which is in Manchester (-50)

and the pouring rain completely dissolves her leg cast (-60)

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go out with a pal (-5)

and the pal is happily married (-4)

and the pal is frighteningly single (-7)

and he drives a Ferrari (-10)

with a personalised number plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

You have a few beers (-9)

and miss curfew by an hour (-12)

and you didn't call (-20)

You get home at 3 am (-30)

smelling of booze and cheap cigars (-40)

and not wearing any trousers (-50)

is that a tattoo?!? (-200)

HER NIGHT OUT

You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friends from
work (+5)

She goes out with her annoying friends from work and she comes home
late (+10)

you wait up (+15)

She comes home late and drunk and you put her to bed (+20)

A NIGHT OUT TOGETHER

You take her to a movie (+2)

a movie she likes (+4)

a movie you hate (+6)

a movie you like (-6)

it's called "DeathCop 3" (-3)

which features cyborgs having sex (-9)

you lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

A NIGHT AT HOME

You watch TV together (0)

You rent a movie (+2)

it's "Sense and Sensibility" (+3)

you stay awake throughout (+5)

you fall asleep (-1)

you fall asleep and drool (-2)

FLOWERS

You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)

You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)

You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)

and she contracts Lyme disease (-25)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)

FINANCES

You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)

something she can't use (-10)

such as a motorised model aeroplane (-20)

and she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)

DRIVING

You lost the directions on a trip (-4)

and end up getting lost (-10)

in a bad part of town (-15)

and meet the locals up-close and personal (-25)

and you know them (-60)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [sensitive questions always start a
with a deficit]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen for over 30
minutes (+5)

without looking at the TV (+10)

she realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)
 

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