How many sexy women does it take
to change a light bulb?
Hey, if you're in the dark with
a sexy woman, why mess with the lights?
What do you do if your dishwasher
breaks down?
Slap the bitch and tell her to
get back to work.
Why do kids make snowmen instead
of snowwomen?
Takes to long to hollow out the
head.
Why does a women need a watch?
She doesn't goddammit there's a
clock on the stove.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long
enough to build up pressure.
What should you do if your girlfriend
starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What's the definition of a woman?
A life support system for a pussy.
Why do women whistle when they`re
sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember
which end they need to wipe.
Where do you have to go to find
a woman who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
"Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes I am, I married the wrong
woman."
How does a woman commit suicide?
She jumps from her ego to her I.Q.
How do you keep your wife from reading
your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "football".
If God had wanted women to be perfect,
he'd have given them brains.
The best reason to divorce or break-up
with a woman is for health reasons.
you're sick of her.
Women are all the same.
They just have different faces
so you can tell them apart.
Wifes are like children.
they're fine if they're someone
else's.
Never sleep with a woman who's named his Silly.
Remember a sense of humour does
not mean that you tell her jokes,
it means you laugh at her.
Sadly, all women are created equal.
Whats the difference between a woman
with PMT and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
How does a woman know that she is
overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people
from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.
What's six inches long, two inches
wide, and drives women wild?
Money.
If your wife keeps coming out of
the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
Why do women want only one thing?
Because they've taken everything
else.
What's the difference between pink
and purple?
Her grip.
What do you do when you best friend
runs away with your wife?
Send him a thank you card.
A man's love is a woman's privilege, not her right.
I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.
Women who say they can see through men are missing a lot.
Woman was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
How do you know when women are about
to say something smart?
It starts with "My man says..."
Never get involved with a married
woman.
You already know he is a liar and
a cheat.
Women are like Horoscopes.
You cant trust either one!
Women are only good for one thing...two, if they're good at it.
Women are the reason that men hate one another.
Men come in three sizes:
small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
Men invented computers to drive women crazier!
Women like phones with lots of buttons.
It makes them feel important.
How is a condom and a woman alike?
They both spend more time in a
man's wallet than on his penis.
What do you call a woman with half
a brain?
Gifted.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
How many women does it take to screw
a light bulb?
A) Six - one to sit on a table,
4 to rotate the table, and one to stay at the door and watch for electricity.
B) Just one, but she would rather
climb the ladder, hold on to the bulb, and let the world revolve around
her!
What one thing can always get a
woman out of your life?
A hunting licence.
Why does it take longer to build
a snowwoman than a snowman?
You have to hollow out the head
first.
How do you get a one-armed woman
out of a tree?
Wave.
What do you call a smart woman?
Unsighted.
Dear doctor, both my husband and
I are sterile.
Is there any possibility that we
will pass this on to our children?
When does a woman develop a brain?
The day she gets married.
What's the difference between an
intelligent woman and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either
one.
How many women jokes are there?
None, they're all true.
What do you call a caring, considerate
and gifted woman?
A Myth.
What does a woman say when she looks
in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds!"
What do you do if your girlfriend
walks out?
Close the door!
What do you call a fly buzzing around
inside a womans head?
A Space Invader.
How do you make your wife wake up
with a smile on her face monday morning?
Tell her a joke friday night.
When does a woman get hurt by your
words?
When you hit her with the dictionary.
What's the best thing about oral
sex from your wife?
Ten minutes of silence.