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What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block
away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they're not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then
try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats
»ïÏï«,¸¸,»ïÏï«,¸¸,»ïÏï«,¸¸,»ïÏï«,¸¸,»ïÏï«,¸¸,»ïÏï«,¸¸,»ïÏï«
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
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"There are only two truly infinite things, the universe
and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe."
-Albert Einstein
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A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
building by climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the
street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your
only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH!
The firemen yank the blanket away.The Brunette slams
into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the
Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!"
says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand.
We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead,
and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket
away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a
pancake.
Finally the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again
the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way!
You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yells the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket
away!"
"Look," shouts the Blonde, "nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away!
So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back
away from it."
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SHORT ORDERS
_______________________
A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The Brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.
Following her, the Redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.
Last, the Blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."
"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."
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Why do some things happen only once in a blue moon?
The Answer:
This rather poetic image is based on an observable phenomenon.
On rare occasions (once or twice every two years or so) the
moon does appear to be blue.
As to why it does, I have found no evidence that the moon is
ever sad, so this cannot be a reference to a lunar state of
mind. And the fact that astronauts have brought back lunar
rocks denies us the luxury of speculating that the moon might
be made from bleu, not green cheese.
The most common explanation for this phenomenon is that dust
or ice crystals in the atmosphere filter the moonlight,
scattering the light in a way that makes the moon look blue.
For instance, a forest fire in Canada in 1950 blew enough soot
and ashes to England to produce an electric blue moon. These
conditions produce a blue moon seldom enough to make the image
synonymous with something rare.
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The Indonesian coffee Kopi Luwak is the most expensive and
sells for $75 per 1/4 pound. Boy, nobody tell Starbuck's or
they'll raise their prices again...
..The reason its so expensive is the way it is processed.
Its beans are ingested by a small animal called a Paradoxurus.
The beans are then extracted form the excreta and made into
Kopi Luwak. After hearing that, they should pay ME $75 to
drink the stuff.
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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help
you understand the mysterious language of science and
medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone
reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original
reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO
THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope
to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The
other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get
around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think
so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF
THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of
notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE
A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't
understand it
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't
understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE
EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr.
Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it
meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally
useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
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I just got junk mail from this organization that wants me to
save the forest. I sent them back a letter saying stop sending
me the junk mail and save the forest yourself.
-- Linda Herskovic
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