It may be disgusting, but you'll get used to it . . .

For yea, the Time of Fattening is upon us. Everywhere you look there are fat people. They are unsightly, and consume more than their fair share of resources. And so it says in the Book of Lard:

"The fat ones shall eat and eat until the burst unto us. And we shall all stand and say 'Uck"."

Or at least it would say that if it wasn't just something that I'd made up.

But really people, it's a major problem today. There are also other problems facing the world today: hideous things like pollution, lack of sufficient power, and the proliferation of country music. Well my subjects, I'll do something about the country music later, right now I'm dealing with the other problems.

You see, it has occurred to me that we have a valuable resource in our midst, being wasted in an ugly and disgusting way. Fat. Fat burns. Burning things produce power. Does anyone see my solution yet?

The Imperial government will round up all the fat people, they will be taken to the local hospital where trained doctors and whalers will use liposuction and/or harpoons to remove the fat. This fat is a tremendous resource, it can be burned for fuel, it has so many uses:

Burn for fuel, the solution to our energy crises. What about pollution? I'll get to that.
Grease for machinery.
Food, at least for starving people who are not very picky.
Warfare. Who wouldn't be demoralized having blobs of fat lobbed at them from catapults?

Yes, it's a good system. And the best part is it's a renewable resource. People are so stupid, they'll just go back and eat some more, like cattle, until their bloated with fat once more and ready to be harvested. Think this is cruel? Is it more cruel to suck pieces of their bodies out and burn them or to force them to face the thin-body crazed culture of today?*

Now, what about pollution? Well, it is my plan is to burn it underground. Wait! Before you ready your list of e-mail flames to send me for saying that listen to my full plan. It will be burnt in a facility completely contained underground, airlocks would prevent the escape of Nasty Air. When needed the air inside will be compressed and contained inside pressurized canisters and disposed of. The major problem with this is that it is:

1. Expensive.
2. How could anyone work down there?

The solution to both of these is the same: Prisoners. They work for free. Well, you've got to force them a bit. And it's not like I care if they die. In fact, it's how we'll deal with those on death row.

Cruel? Well, I suppose in a technical sense, yes.

So?

These are criminals we're talking about here you know...

*Alright, some people seem to be getting the impression that I'm unfairly biased against overweight people. This is what we call "satire". My comments are meant as sarcasm directed towards all the people who do seem to believe that being overweight is far worse than 100,000 starving children in Ethiopia. The purpose of my so called "hurtful comments" is point out the ridiculous emphasis placed on slimness in today's culture. That's not to say however, that it still wouldn't provide fuel . . .