Bar Jokes

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window of a bar. Much to their chagrin, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened. When they peeked inside the bar, they did not find anyone. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting cross-legged on the counter with a turban on his head.

The wife asked, "Pardon me, but do you work here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through that window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that hideous little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered, bowing his head toward them.

The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes. The third wish I will keep for myself," the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed upon two wishes... one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year, forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed, and she went off with the genie to a nearby room.

A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. 
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 
Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. 
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky
voice, "I'd like to try the bet." 
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed
the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. 
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass. 
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are
you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" 
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve bears." 
The bear demands a drink, but the bartender keeps refusing. Finally, the bear, glancing over at a woman sitting on
a stool near him, says, "Either give me a drink, or I'll bite off the arm of this woman sitting next to me." 
The bartender still refuses, so the bear leans over and bites off her arm. "Now, get me a drink, or I'll bite off her
other arm too." 
The bartender says, "Sorry, man, it's not my policy. We don't serve bears." 
So the bear takes off her other arm. "Now get me a drink, or else I'll finish her off." 
But the bartender says no again, so the bear turns around, eats the rest of the women, and says, "Now get me a
drink, or you're next." 
The bartender shrugs. "Sorry, we don't serve people who take drugs." 
The bear says, "I haven't taken any drugs." 
But the bartender replies, "Well, that was a barbituate."

A guy walks into a bar with a little yellow long-nosed, short-legged dog under his arm. 
"That's one ugly dog," says another patron while petting his Doberman. 
"Heh," says the guy, "but he's a mean little SOB." 
"That so" says the other patron, "bet $20 my dog will kick his butt in less than two minutes" 
The guy agrees and they put there dogs face to face, and each gives the command to attack. In the twinkling of an
eye the little yellow dog bites the Doberman in half. The Doberman's owner is crying and cussing, and screams
"What kind of damn dog is this?" 
"Well" says the guy, "before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow he was an alligator."

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey - that's neat - where did you
get him?" 
The parrot responds "In Africa - there's millions of 'em."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. 
The bartender promptly serves up a beer. 
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron. 
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until the
bartender finally opens the door. bartender looks around and sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The
bartender looked down and sees him but replies, "Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and
then proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bartender got so frustrated that he
opened the door again and kicks the snail away. 
A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He opens the door
and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd you do that for?"

A guy walks into a bar. 
A second guy walks into a bar. 
The third guy ducks.

Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says "You can't bring
that dog in here!" Man says "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay." 
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with
a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him
it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." Second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few
seconds, thanks the first man and goes on in. 
Bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, 
"What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!"

A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and
says, "Hey pal, it's none of my business, but what do have in the case?" 
Without saying a word, the man opens the case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the
bar, jumps down to the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He is
pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see who this guy is. Pretty soon
the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better business than he has in years. 
"Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with the case. "Where did you get him?" 
"I was in Egypt by the Great Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to rest.
The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared and said he would
grant just one wish." 
"That's incredible," said the bartender, "do you think it is still there?" 
"Oh, it's still there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your wish, be sure to speak very
slowly and clearly and enunciate each word." 
"Well, it works, right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?" 
"Tell me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a twelve-inch pianist?"